After an exhausting weekend, full of adventure and oddity, I am left pondering. Do people who are totally full of shit know it? Are they intentionally and willingly fraudulent or are they so self unaware that it is accidental?
Example: Saturday night I went out with a guy that was extremely interested in me some years ago and that was hurt by the fact that I would not leave my then boyfriend to be with him, well that turned out to be a waste of loyalty but that is beside the point. This guy, lets call him J, was there for me after the break up and really helped to take care of me during the hardest parts which I thought was admirable and kind but then disappeared for many months. He called me this weekend to ask me to meet him and some of his friends at the bar where we actually had met, as I had a gap in my schedule for that evening, I complied. I had little to no expectations as I have found that having them only leads to disappointment anyway and thought that it would simply be nice to catch up and see how he had been doing other than the lame FB posts that I had seen. When I arrived he was clearly happy to see me and kindly told me how beautiful I looked and commented on my physique which I had been working rather tirelessly on and I excitedly thanked him. We sat down at the table with all of his friends and began chatting, all pretty standard. Not even 20 minutes into the evening, he changed his body language to directly face me and grabbed my hand in his. He then proceeded to tell me that he loved me and that he always had. He continued to say that he had disappeared because he was afraid that if we had begun seeing each other that it would be more of a rebound for me and that he could not chance his heart on something he thought to be short-lived. He also expressed concern that should William ever return that I would be drawn to getting back together with him. I assured him that William would never again be any part of my life for any reason and that should he return which was highly doubtful anyway that he would be met with nothing but disdain and disappointment. At this point he asked me if I wanted to give being with him a shot, that after all he had loved me for years now and that finally he felt as if we were both in a position to be together and have it be successful. Now for anyone that knows me really well, I am usually quite moved by expressions of emotion and am a bit susceptible to being persuaded by them as well but after all that I have endured recently it has become much more difficult. It is not that I out right did not believe him or felt as he was manipulating me, it was just a matter of do his words and his actions directly match up? I can say from what I have observed over the past few days that they do not. So the question remains, did he mean all the things that he said or was it all just BS to try to accomplish some self-serving goal? And if it was BS did he even realize he was doing it?
Example #2: The dreaded bastard ex. If I could credit any one human being for completely destroying any faith I had in humanity and for eliminating any trust I have that people are what they say they are, its him. Forget that this person told me over and over again how much they loved me and that I was the one for him and then brutally left me in possibly the worst of scenarios. Forget that apparently this person lied to everyone involved in the situation so that his cowardice would be tolerated. Hell even forget that he waffled back and forth between telling me that he “had been with more attractive women than me,” and telling me how gorgeous I was. Forgetting all that because it is in the past and holds little to no meaning for me anymore, there is still the present fraudulence which he continuously spews forth from a laptop in Asia. In reference to society’s obsession with FB he writes things like:
In fact, in the 21st century it is more natural to be laid bare and completely open in your yearning for approval and recognition than it would be to hide your feelings. We are gregarious, we are desirous of living an examined life for Plato said that anything less than that is not worth living. We use introspection balanced with external comments to search our emotional responses to the world. To be honest with yourself in the age of reality shows and celeb-worship is to know that you would probably take, if not relish for some time, the constant scrutiny and phony devotion of being the one in the camera’s flash instead of the one pushing the button. The world is changing again, as it always will. The exaggeration of daily life, and the magnification of minutiae is thrust into our faces like mall perfume samples. I wonder if the rise in depression is due to people feeling unworthy of living because they aren’t being photographed or pulled aside for interviews. Do we feel unimportant because only our family and friends care about us, as opposed to strangers worshipping us through the magazine pages or the Hollywood blockbusters? Even as I write this, I do wonder who will read it, who will appreciate it. We want to feel alive and needed, we want to leave our mark upon this world.
Or in reference to the duality of life and all the myriad of amazing philosophical epiphanies he has had:
Last week at the the Buddhist temple of heaven and earth, I felt the feeling I’ve felt for a long time now, but saw it manifested before me. Namely, that what we call right and wrong are constructs of our society. There is, has been and always will be only what is done and not done. If you see evil happening and do nothing, that’s what you do—in your non-action lies your action. If you hurt someone, you did it. If you help someone, you did it. It is the existential power we all possess and gives meaning to every single choice we can ever make. You can choose with each step of your life, positive or negative behaviors. What is right for one is wrong for another. Christianity and Islam are not right or wrong, one is right for one group of people, and therefore the other appears wrong. Murder, rape, theft et al. are unequivocally wrong, because it takes the choice away from the other person, but it is done. The thief wants money, takes it, it is right for him, but wrong to the person from whom he stole. The laws of regulation are necessary in a functioning society, but within those boundaries, you can find your own philosophy of right action.
Or perhaps my personal favorite when describing a beautifully debauched Wednesday:
We talked about why I wasn’t married, how the kindergarten teachers were attractive but hard to talk to, how he was wearing a special tie today with lots of glitter because the parents would all be present today for the kindy graduation. The one who spoke the most English, and was the most pleasant was my Korean co-teacher’s uncle and never seemed that nice before. He was charming. He was so interested in talking to me. I ate my dinner, they paid and I thought they were walking me home. It turned out, we were headed for a second place to talk and drink soju. I told them I had to go home. Here I am writing this, getting drunker the more I write, as the drink keeps hitting more of my body. It’s the Hemingway kind of drunk, where things still seem new and exciting. It’s not the kind of Bukowski drunk where you just finished hitting your wife, and you’re feeling guilty so you drink kind of drunk. I really would have loved to hear more stories, but I know the drunker you get the worse your foreign language gets but the more accessible it is to your mouth. It’s like you have more words, but less grammar, making for a terribly incoherent but verbose rant about nothing. It was a good Wednesday.
It is so funny, many months ago I would have been bothered by these things, even upset by them but now I just find them humorous and fascinating even if a bit sad. Because you see he is the epitome of what I am questioning because I wonder if he is aware of just how ridiculous these things sound coming from him, this person that enlisted my help for this “drinking problem” but then brags and relishes his debauchery. Hemingway drunk? Really? This person that philosophizes right and wrong, action and inaction as if he comprehends any of that. Unequivocally wrong? You mean like leaving your girlfriend of 3.5 yrs pregnant and disappearing to a foreign country? It is simply bewildering how this person can say these things having done what they have done and with such ease. And again the question remains, do people who are so obviously full of shit, know it? Or have they created their own reality in their minds that enables them to act so hypocritically and yet believe everything that they think and say is true? The deeper question is in today’s society is it easier for these people to get away with this kind of behaviour? It is very interesting to me from a psychological stand point and I wonder if there will ever be a time when this technological advancement allows for individuals like this to be “called out” as it were instead of them being able to use it towards their own shameless self promotion. What has happened to us? Why are we all so much more concerned with how things appear versus what they really are? Are we all so ashamed of who we are and what we have done that we construct this amazing facade of a human being and use misdirection to alleviate our own self-loathing? Why not just direct all that time and energy towards living an honorable and truthful existence? I would rather have someone love me, knowing everything that I have done good, bad and otherwise than have someone fall in love with the mask. But I still wonder, are these people doing all this intentionally or are they really so lost in their own heads?
Today I am thankful for my ex and all the lessons he has taught me. I am thankful that I am more scrutinizing and less gullible. I am thankful that he demonstrated the age-old adage that actions do in fact speak louder than words and that through this experience, I truly believe that I will never have to suffer the same pain again because I will pay much more attention to the man behind the curtain. So really as much as I have fought it, today I can honestly say, he did me a favor. And with that comes a sense of peace and completion. Sigh.
Personal evolution is beginning to feel like a spiritual board game. I take several steps, sometimes leaps forward and inevitably there is backward motion as well. I suppose that it is necessary in order to continue moving forward while truly comprehending the path that has been taken. I began this blogging adventure as a means to process and heal from a terrible break up. To some, that was courageous and creative. To others it is”crazy” and misunderstood. For the latter, I wish that you could understand my motives. I want to have a voice. When another human being takes control of your life and makes a unilateral and highly destructive decision and actions are forced upon you, you are helpless. You are no longer an integral part of your own fate, you are plunged into the reality of reaction. My reactions have spanned the spectrum of human emotion but in the end, I have been pretty impressed with my progress and the way in which I maintained my personal integrity. But, I am human and I have my set backs, like today.
When it was first brought to my attention that Will was writing a blog and had been secretly for some time, I anxiously and fearfully read it. And there is nothing worse than learning about someone who you thought you knew through their writings. About the only thing that comes close to this sensation of removed enlightenment, is the falseness of their words. Upon discovering that he adores making himself seem like a deep, highly evolved, spiritual and altruistic person, I decided that I had read enough. I KNEW the truth, I had survived it. And thus I told myself with the encouragement of my friends, that I would not read it again. Honestly, nothing positive was going to come from it but unfortunately I have masochistic tendencies and every now and then my curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself typing those pathetic letters into google and making the same mistake that I promised myself I would not. And this is what I found today: http://williamsabia.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/not-so-fast/
Immediately enraged and disgusted, I came to the conclusion that the only person at fault for these overwhelming emotions, was me. I had let my curiosity overwhelm my logic. And it is disappointing when you realize that you are the one who is hurting yourself. I mean he is NOT going to change, he never was. So why do I even let it bother me? I have been asked the same question over and over again, why do I do this to myself? Well this morning, I finally figured it out. A dangerous combination of optimism and disbelief.
The optimism tempts me and the disbelief is constant. I suppose I hope that at some point there will be an apology or an epiphany, something. But it never comes. I am shockingly still amazed at his ability to learn every life lesson there is to learn except for the one he needs to learn. Self awareness is not something that you spew forth on a blog entry and create in order to garner the acceptance and praise of others. It is something that you work towards on a daily basis and my main reason for self-awareness is so that I do not hurt other people or myself with destructive, selfish behaviour. That is why when my blog is read, you see the flaws, you hear the doubt and you read the truth. When I talk about Buddha it is not some concept that I throw out because it sounds interesting and philosophical. I have been Buddhist for many years now and it is something that is dear to me so to have the one that hurt me so deeply quoting and paraphrasing beliefs, it is almost insulting. I want to scream, “HOW DARE YOU?!?”
How dare you act like you are a good person? How dare you not take responsibility for your actions? How dare you talk about love and loss? What did you lose? You ran half way around the world and YOU are talking about loss and pain! How dare you? I could go on forever with these but in the end this is not about him. The problem is me.
I write extremely personal and unadulterated things because it may save someone from making the same mistakes. Yeah I guess it is “crazy” to put such things out there in the vastness of the internet. I honestly wrote the majority of this yesterday and saved it because I was unsure if I wanted to post it. I began fearing what it would make me appear to be. I have been told by my sibling several times that this blog, well at least the personal aspect of it makes me look like a psycho girl and so I felt like maybe I should change the direction of it. Perhaps solely post my poetry or begin writing the treatment for my book but then I realized what a hypocrite I would be. Anyone can write and share the easy stuff. The anonymous things that can self promote, it is much more difficult to share your true nature and allow for the possibility of judgment. If people want to judge me for being hurt, then so be it. If people want to think that I am a “psycho” because I tell the truth and am unafraid of showing myself, again, so be it. I know who I am., perhaps for the first time in a very long time.
I am a human who has loved and lost. I am a woman who is nearing the completion of a very long and arduous process of growth. I am a Buddhist who is trying to remember the tenants of my beliefs. I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. Things are not always rainbows and sunshine but they are also not always gray and dark. This is what I have learned. I am learning to let go of the things that are painful and remain open to the beauty in life. I am learning to accept that the Universe is not going to give me what I want but rather what I need. I am learning what makes me strong and unique but also the traits that are less desirable and need to be addressed. But is this not the point of living? I choose to do this openly and I will continue to because I will not be that which I loathe. I will not only post things that make me look enlightened and interesting. I hope others will be comforted in that, it is ok to be wherever you are in your process and on your path. It is ok to have doubts and to question your actions and your emotions. It is ok to be who you are and to acknowledge your mistakes.
This year will be about this philosophy. I will be stronger than ever. I will make more forward progress. I will recognize my regressions, examine them and move on. I will continue to work diligently on strengthening my mind and body so that when I look back on this situation, I will know that I conquered it. It may have been painful and exhaustive. It may have even taken longer than I would have liked. But I will know that I can do anything and I did. I will also know that I am prepared for any circumstance and that should something of this nature creep its way back into my realm, I will have the skills necessary to move through it more gracefully and more constructively. I am finding power in my flaws because in the end, they will make me work to be the person that I want to be.
So there it is. If I am crazy then that is fine, I can conquer that too!
Let’s see it has been an eventful past couple of days…..
One amazing hair cut and catching up with my good friend, check!
Feeling slightly under the weather, check ;(
Dancing to 80’s music with my best friend, check!
Running into a douchebag that admitted to telling me he loved me only to try to get in my pants, check ;(
Family brunch with the most family members we have gotten together in a long time, check!
Finding out that my ex, William, has been trying to order books on my Amazon account using my email and password AND my gift certificate, CHECK 😦
What the hell is wrong with people anyway? Yikes!
I do not know what is going on with the Cosmos but geez, give a girl a break! This good, bad, good, bad, good, bad rollercoaster is making me nauseous! Attention Life, you should not have to come with a barf bag! Oh well, I guess I will strap in, take a deep breath and hold on tight…….. At least my house is insanely organized now 😉 Now to work on some music and poetry, hopefully I will have something more profound to write later.
Lots of Love,
As the year comes to an end, I can not help but be relieved and excited for this has easily been the worst year of my life. For most that statement would seem or actually be hyperbolic but for me, it is an entirely accurate assessment. Other years have been difficult, often stressful with equestrian competitions, family health emergencies and work but the incidents were spread out over the course of the year and usually there was some semblance of resolution. This year, this bastard year has had back to back tragedies and there is no resolution in sight. Sure, I am emotionally healing from all the loss but it will never be completely gone. It is almost as if my heart is a bone that has a compound fracture, it will heal with some surgery and some pins and screws but the evidence will always be seen. A CSI-esque post mortem on me would have the investigators saying, “This woman had her heart-broken, as you can see on the X-ray, those prominent white lines represent the calcification. It is an old wound, she was most likely 30 years of age when it occurred.”
I guess I assumed that when you reach a certain age there are certain ways of doing things. When you get to be this wonderful age, you have the right to say things like, “What are we in high school?” But the sad part is that this amazing, magical age when wisdom and maturity take over and all of your actions are rooted in intelligence, logic and past experience, it does not exist. I am 3o and I have such a horrendous time of comprehending how at this age, people are still acting like children. And it is not just the 30 year olds, it is 4o years olds and some in their 50’s. Unfortunately, 2011 brought me to the realization that maturity and virtue are absolutely not proportionate to numerical age. I thought, based on past experience that when you break up with someone, you express the reasons and it is a one-on-one conversation. There is no peanut gallery casting dispersions, no overly dramatic scene just two people who cared for one another ending one relationship and hopefully salvaging another. My ex-fiance and I were together on and off for seven years and lived together for most of them. At the conclusion of our relationship, we expressed our deep love for each other but also knew that our relationship had transitioned into more of a friendship. He is now my dearest and closest friend. There was no yelling, screaming, name calling, no ugliness at all. I assumed this was possible with every relationship. I suppose my thought process is that if I thought highly enough of someone to live with them and even to contemplate marriage, why on earth would I not want them in my life? I have no idea why the general consensus is that ex’s can not and should not remain friends. Shouldn’t we all have the maturity and unconditional love for one another, that even if one type of relationship does not work, we are still open to another type? There will never be any resolution to this break up. William will never tell me why or say he is sorry. We will never be friends. I will never see one of my cats again. William will never see his glorious Siamese boys again. And I will never understand why everything had to transpire this way. This kills me. The fact that he is over in another country and keeps blogging pontifications about American life and the cultural differences and blah, blah, blah also kills me. No emotion, no regret, no guilt, no love, no friendship just BS. I guess that is who he is though. Bottom line: No resolution.
2011 also left me unemployed. I had a great job that I loved and I was let go not because I did not do my job or because I came in late too many times. No I was fired because my boss fell in love with me and we worked for his in-laws. I knew he was in love with me because he had told me numerous times. He sent me emails and poems, all expressing that I was his soul mate and he had never felt this way about anyone. I found all of this hard to believe since he was married and had been for ten years. At the time his wife was also pregnant. I tried to reassure him that he was just having these feelings because he was stressed about everything and needed an emotional distraction but he maintained that his feelings were real. I told William about all of this because I thought it was important to be honest, I had no idea this information would be revised and used against me later. I told my boss over and over again that I was in a committed relationship and that I was not going anywhere and that he and his wife should get counseling, which they did. But at some point, he was overwhelmed and decided to tell her that he was in love with another woman. From what I understand which is second-hand, he was honest with her and said that nothing had ever happened between us but that he was still in love with me. Apparently though, the fact that we had no physical contact whatsoever was of no relevance. The fact that I was not in love with him was of no relevance. 24 hours later, we were both fired. This also happened to occur the same weekend that William left. Yeah, real shitty weekend! And has my boss ever called to apologize for his lapse in judgment which cost me my job? No. Has he ever called the “love of his life” to see how I am doing? No. So again, no resolution.
I suppose the worst aspect of 2011 is that it has left me questioning everything. I was a solid Buddhist before all of this. I believed in astrology and the Aquarian Age shift, hell I was stoked about it. I believed that people were inherently good but that every now and they messed up. I believed that I was in a good relationship with a good guy. I believed that I was on my way to having a career in an industry that I loved. I believed that you get out what you put in. I believed that all my hard work was going to pay off. I believed that everything works out in the end.
So 2011, good riddance. I am so ready for this year to be over. 2012 Bring it on! End of the world? Whatever, my world already ended. Bring it on! This year WILL be better. This year will be what I make of it! This year I will not be naive. This year I will not let other people interfere with my goals and my standards for myself. This year I will not be caught off guard. This year is going to be about me and my quest to be the best version of myself possible. And I can not wait!
Over the past five months I have learned some devastating things about people and relationships, the first being that you can live with someone for many years and still not know them. This has been obvious on a micro and macro level for me. Someone I once loved very deeply betrayed me in ways that are still unimaginable although factual. I mean it happened, it occurred and still I have trouble believing it some days. My main question is how does this happen? How can people wear so many masks all the time? And how did I miss all this?
Many of my friends think that I am one of the smartest and most intuitive people that they know but I am not sure of any of that anymore. I constantly question how I did not see this person for that they really are and when I ask my confidantes this very question they respond that they did not realize it either. They tell me that this person fooled them too. Fooled? Interesting choice of a word. I knew of this person’s shortcomings. He was selfish, immature and emotionally unstable. I knew THIS but we all have flaws, myself included. I chose to continue the relationship despite these flaws because I believed that inherently he was a compassionate, sensitive and ultimately loving person. I also believed that he was honest, almost too honest and blunt at times. So how was I so unaware of all the manipulations? It is amazing what all you encounter after a break up. Secret blogs, secret plans and all the lies that this person told. I understand that on some level we all manipulate but it seems that all of his were totally premeditated. He lied to groups of people that he knew would never communicate and he also went out of his way to discredit certain people so that even on the off-chance that these people did interact the truth would still remain hidden. Given that I know all of this now, why do I still feel like I should have realized this earlier? And how can two people’s perceptions of reality differ so greatly?
I was made aware of the fact that apparently he has started writing his own blog. In of itself not a huge deal but this blog was going on when we were together. Why lie about it? Why keep it a secret? Maybe because in all of his multitude of entries, I was only mentioned twice. Maybe because I was not nearly as important to him as he was to me and he knew that. He knew that I would question this and so he hid it from me. Yes, I am mentioned as his beautiful and talented girlfriend but that’s it. Even in an entry about Valentine’s Day, I am surprisingly absent. We were living together and sharing a life and the reader would never know any of this. Now, all he writes about is how glorious his new life in Korea is and again, no mention of how he got there or any of the events that lead up to this point. To make matters worse, many other entries depict him as a person that believes in karma and the greater good and a need for people to expand their consciousness and to do good deeds. Really? That is very interesting considering all of the horrific things that he did and continues to do and deny. But it is his mask. His public mask. It is the him that he wants YOU to see. You would never know that beneath that mask of compassion, worldliness and sensitivity belies Dorian Grey. For at first glance, William is attractive, charming, intelligent, articulate and funny. He entices you with his wit and knowledge of geography and current events. He can talk about virtually any subject and be engaging. He can make you laugh and feel sexy and desired. But, behind it all, he is as selfish and narcissistic as they come. He will make you think that all the compliments are for you when really they are to get you to like him. He will make you think that you are so loved and important to him but really you are merely part of the mask of the day. I was his relationship mask, his responsible, mature adult mask. And now that mask has outlived its usefulness. That mask was thrown out with the trash.
The new mask is much more fascinating. He relishes his new mask. The Hunter Thompson mask, all about the experience of things and people. Sadly that is all. You are an experience to him, something that he will write about in his journal or blog, or not?….. He takes little pieces of all those around and keeps them like trinkets and incorporates them into his persona. You are not a real person to him. You have no real feelings that need to be considered. You are nothing to him other than entertainment. So how did he “fool” everyone? Why do I keep hearing, “I never saw this coming.”? Or, “I knew he was not telling me the whole story but I had NO idea it was this bad.” Are we all stupid? Were we all so taken with the mask that we never looked behind the curtain? How did I not know him?
I have struggled for months to understand how this all happened and yet there is no lightbulb moment. There is no light in this situation at all. It is a constant darkness that follows me everywhere. It is a constant reminder that perhaps we never REALLY know anyone. One of my best friends says that you never really know someone until a crisis occurs. That it is in the moments of a sympathetic nervous system response that you find out what someone is really made of. Simple but true. Flight vs. Fight. My fate was sealed a long time ago, I am a fighter. I do not run from confrontations, I do not run from my responsibilities and I do not run from pain, however, excruciating.
I choose not to wear a mask. Sure I wear make up and I have a fake tan. I even do my nails. But all those that know me, KNOW me. I am beautiful and flawed. I have a gigantic heart that can love unconditionally but that can also bleed oceans when its broken. I have a redheaded temper that can rattle walls and scare even the strongest of men. I am opinionated and sometimes judgemental but I will always tell you the truth. My intelligence can lead to the most enlightened conclusion or it can imprison me in obsessiveness. I have compassion for all living creatures and try to lead an aware existence but I have my off track days and moments like everyone else. For all my many talents and gifts, I struggle with insecurity and a low self-esteem. I have cut, starved and otherwise injured myself on many occasions because of this. But this is ME. And everyone close to me knows this. I am not afraid to admit my shortcomings and I am even less afraid to confront them. I want to be better. I want to be more aware. I want to be the me that I know I can. I want to forgive and love. I want to overcome this time period not with bitterness but with liberation. So at least I can say this, You do know me…….I know me and I am glad that I could never hurt someone so deeply. I could never leave someone with so many unanswered questions and just go about my life business as usual.
Take off your masks and show yourself. There is nothing to fear. Let people know you and love you as you are. Anything that you are ashamed of, you can fix it. The power is within all of us to become better humans. Now is especially the time to live in our truths and come from our hearts. I hope for him the same.
So there I was, bewildered, sleep deprived, starving and in shock. Thoughts raced through my head. Why was Will’s dad with him? Why will he not say anything? What that the hell is happening? The answers were ugly.
As I sat in my car looking at William in his car, I begged him to say something, anything. Before he could, his dad said something, anything and everything. First he told me that William was done with me, that he did not love me anymore and that he did not want to be with me, that our relationship was over and he was taking Will back to Philly with him. Side note- Will and I had just resigned a six month lease not three weeks before all of this. Then when I brought up the fact that I had just found out that I was pregnant, William’s father said and I will NEVER forget these words, “We don’t even know that it is his!” Its funny how one sentence, a subject and a verb splashed with a pronoun can do so much damage. I looked at Will almost begging him to stop all of the venom that was being spewed at me and yet there was nothing. At this point, I began to totally fall apart. It was not the kind of crying that you knew would make you feel better in the end, no it was the kind of crying that came from the depths of your soul, the kind you thought would never end. I called my mom because I had now encountered something the likes of which I could not even handle. She cancelled all of her hearings and came immediately.
So now, William and his father began tearing through our apartment madly grabbing anything that they could while I watched in agony. My mother asked Will’s father to let us speak alone, after all we had just spent years living together and we were adults, there had to be a better way than this. She was wrong. William continued to look at me, almost zombie like. No real emotion or soul behind his eyes, just this vacant stare. I begged him to talk to me, to tell me why and how he could do something like this. And when I say begged, I mean it. I got down on my knees, putting any pride or self-respect I had left to the side to show him that I was serious but anything I said no matter how heart-felt was met with snide remarks from his father and little to no response from Will. It was like he had been brain washed. There were phrases he just kept repeating over and over again but no real feeling behind it. As I tried desperately to get through to him, my mother attempted to contain his father outside so that we could talk. That did not last very long at all. She came bursting through the door saying that she could not stand to be there another moment. Apparently the blame game had started outside. My mother told his father that she did not appreciate the things that he had said to me and in return his father said that he did not appreciate me having an affair. Right, I had an affair. Someone had fallen in love with me. Nothing ever happened between the two of us other than him expressing his feelings for me. But did William’s father even bother to fact check, of course not. My mother knew the truth and said that that was ridiculous and that if he really wanted to get into it, she did not appreciate William spitting in my face two years prior to this. If you can not see the trend, things were spiraling downwards at an exponential pace. The ugliness was all around me and I could do was cry. Once my mother and I realized that this was indeed happening and there was nothing we could do, I fell to the floor and watched what had taken me over three years to build be destroyed in two hours.
I asked William what we were going to do about the baby and his response was that he did not want anything to do with it. It was all up to me. What do you even say to that? The kicker was that Will had always wanted kids and it was a point of contention because I did not until now. I wanted to have this one. Over the course of our relationship we had lost two others and I did not want to go through the pain of that again. Silly me, I thought he would be excited. I thought he would be happy that I finally wanted all the things he did but everything had changed in 48 hours. Now I was just some girl in some town that he had lived in for five years and he was done with it. He was leaving everything and wanted nothing to keep him tied to this place and this life. I hugged him or rather tried to hug him, in the very least I did not want to leave things so nasty. I loved him with all of my heart and I could not stand the thought of never seeing him again so I continuously tried to embrace him. He kept packing.
As they packed up all of his clothing and other personal belongings, I remember they had these very nonchalant conversations, almost as if it was totally normal to break someone’s heart, leave them pregnant and with an apartment and cats and berate them mercilessly. It was like it was something that occurred every day. I distinctly remember there was even joking. I kept feeling the sense that I had entered some alternate reality or dimension and it all felt very wrong. After two hours, they had most of his stuff out and in his car leaving me with everything else to take care of at some point. As he went for the cat, I tried to stop him but unfortunately she was his cat before this relationship so there was really nothing I could say to stop him. I disagreed with him taking her away from her brothers whom she loved but his response was that he just wanted to take one of the other cats as well. I could barely believe that now we were bargaining with our children. I finally put my foot down and told him I thought he had taken quite enough from me and that was it. I was then told if I really loved him, I would let him take Christian. If I really loved him I would let him take our other cat? If I really loved HIM! I was being crushed and destroyed and I was still expected to act out of love when all that was being shown to me was hatred? They told me what a good home he would have and how much space there was. A good home? Our definitions of a good home, I was sure at this point were very different so I declined. Will was walking out on every responsibility he had and I was supposed to trust that he would take care of my babies, no.
The boy cats watched as their sister was crated and out the door. William just waved to me and then he was gone………..
I described this incident in-depth not to blame or make William and his father appear a certain way but rather to express why the event was so traumatic. There was pain and loss on so many levels that it truly was a tragedy. I felt betrayed, abandoned, disparaged, unloved and confused. Mostly though I felt like my life was over. I had lived and breathed for him. Every thing I had done for the past three years was with the belief that we were meant to be together. I loved him that much. I had tolerated things that I never thought I would because I loved him that much and now it was gone. My heart was gone. My reason for being was gone, everything was ripped away in an instant.
In the weeks to follow, I would only hear from William four times. One was a text the next day asking me to take care of our boys and that he was going to pay to break our lease all I had to do was sign a piece of paper, also that our relationship meant a lot to him and he loved me and that he was on his was on his way out-of-town. I did not hear from him again until weeks later after I had sent him texts, emails, songs, poems all expressing my love for him and the immense amount of grief I felt. I got two emails, both justifying what he did and blaming me for things I had done to cause this. I apologized over and over again for a while believing that perhaps I did cause this and it was my fault or that there was a justification for what he did. Not once did he apologize, not once did he ask about our baby or our cats, not once did he even ask how I was. No, this was all about him. What he was going through, how he felt. I was just as insignificant in our end as I had been all along even more so now that he was thousands of miles away. Its been six or seven weeks now and I have yet to hear his voice or have a real conversation with him. And yet I do not blame him for what he did. I do not hate him or wish him ill. I simply pray every day that he will wake up and become more aware of his actions and how they affect others and that our lives are not meant to be spent being selfish and self-serving but rather to love one another and live up to our potential as humans. And this is what good has come from such an ugly, awful event, the knowledge that we must live in a space of compassion, love and forgiveness. We can not control the actions of others. We can control our actions towards others and as long as we act out of a place of love, we are in our highest truth and power.
You can not blame someone for being where they are in their evolution or devolution as it may be…………………
And thus ends the ugliness and begins a new chapter…… The journey towards healing.
Now, that I have stated that I experienced a tragedy, I will explain what that means to me. I had been dating William for over three years. We had lived with each other for almost the same amount of time. We had an amazing apartment, three wonderful little cats and a seemingly challenging yet rewarding relationship. At some point I will get into the happenings of our relationship more in-depth but right now I want to focus on “the event” as I like to call it.
William’s friend was getting married in Philadelphia (where William is from) and there had been much discussion and controversy over him going to the wedding. Primarily because we did not have the financial means at the time for either one of us to go let alone both. His friend had offered to pay for his ticket, which was around $400 and I had expressed that I thought it was a bad idea to be taking money from someone who was in the process of getting married and was probably stretched too thin as it was. William had agreed with me but was obviously toiling over the idea of missing this occasion. So he turned to his parents who were always trying to get him to go back home for any and every occasion. They did not like him living in another state and this was very apparent over the course of the relationship. Per usual, his mother offered him the money as she had done many times if it involved him coming home. I appreciated the gesture but the fact that we were 30-year-old adults, I felt that it was time for us to stand on our own two feet and make decisions that were beneficial for our relationship. Without telling me anything, he accepted the money and bought the tickets. I did not find out about this until his sister messaged us on Facebook a month later. I was very displeased that he had gone behind my back and done this and did not even have the wherewithal to tell me himself. This lead to an argument but as the ticket was purchased there was nothing I could do so on we went…….
Two weeks before he was to leave, William became quite ill. He had an intermittent fever that lasted for three days. I, of course, took care of him diligently staying up all night for some days making sure his fever was coming down, making him tea , massaging his body and giving him medicine. He was finally better after about 5 days and a dr.’s visit. Well anyone knows in a couple that lives together if one of you gets sick, its only a matter of time. The following week, I became quite ill. I could not swallow, I had an enlarged tonsil, just felt terrible. I went to the dr. and sure enough I had an absessed tonsil and some sort of ulcer in the back of my throat, it was nasty! I asked William to stay and take care of me because I truly felt awful. The Thursday before he was to leave he told me that he would stay and that it was only fair given that I had taken care of him and that he would just call and apologize for missing the wedding but his partner needed him and he was going to be there. Friday morning before he went to work he tells me, “You will be fine, I will see you on Sunday night.” Obviously I was angry, he had just told me that he was staying and now all of a sudden I am going to see you on Sunday? Then he grabbed his backpack and off he went. I called him and called him, no answer. This was a common avoidance tactic he employed. So I called his school and finally got him. We had a long, challenging conversation and it ended with him expressing that he was afraid to make anyone angry and that is why he had undulated BUT that he was going to stay and I would see him in a couple of hours I had his WORD. Hours passed and I tried to call him, all I got was a text stating that he was boarding a plane, he was sorry and he was turning his phone off. His phone remained off all weekend despite messages from me that one of our cats was having an emergency. At this point, I lost it and I mean lost it. I was having panic attacks, I could not sleep or eat, I mean I was not in a good space but did he care even in the slightest? No. Sunday night rolled around and he still did not come home and I did not even hear from him. Now, I started to really panic. Was he ok? Did the plane land on time? I called the airlines and it had indeed landed on time. So where was he? I tried to get some sleep, thinking he had to show up at some point, I mean he had to go to work Monday morning, I was wrong about that too…… I went to get some food finally and when I was driving in to our apartments I passed him in the car, with his DAD, who must have flown down with him. I was shocked and had no idea what was about to transpire. Until I asked to speak with him and that is when all the real ugliness began…………