Blog Archives

Wrongful wishes

 

I wish you would disappear

amongst the rubble of your hypocrisy

your words are meaningless

and wholly untrue

You float through this life

casting dispersions like gem stones

the man who knows something,

knows he knows nothing

your world is full of adventures and random people

but does anyone call you friend?

love is the only way

and you have lost the path

but it is not for me to judge your existence

only to take heed not to recreate

all that is you in myself

                             or someone else

the pain of loss has long since subsided

all that is left are trivial memories

that one day too shall dissipate

bubbles popping joyously

“You’re such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Summer is Here and I am Free

I float above the cloudy hot days

Immune to its gravity haze

Time has been both friend and foe

Manic highs and depressed lows

A slave no more

to my shackled core

With persistence I broke free

to again feel and see

This summer nothing like last

For I am now done with the past

Moving forward in honor and glory

Is truly the end to this story

Cicadas with their rhythmic sounds

Texas size skies that astound

I sit on the river just to feel

All that is beautiful and surreal

Gratitude flows down my spine

while the scent of oak and pine

pervades my very essence

there is joy in your absence

The water is healing and full of life

I am no longer anger and strife

My soul is floating in the clouds

No longer covered by your shroud

Summer is here and I am free

To yet again feel and see

All that there is to be thankful for

Mother Nature, my saviour.

Gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation

Happy New Years! Well I expected and hoped that NYE would leave me optimistic and ready to take on the world but per usual someone tried to rain on my parade. To this person, guess what? I still had a great time because I made it that way! So in a way I will thank this person and the universe for giving me a chance to prove that this year will be whatever I make of it, no more depending on others for MY happiness! I remember me 😉

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CJlxp9UAUc

Now for the in-depth analysis…….

A good friend sent me this article the other day on gas lighting and how women are manipulated and perceived as being crazy for having emotional reactions to inconsiderate behaviour.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

I assume that he sent this to me because of recent experiences that I shared with him.  Without going into too much detail, I totally and completely agree with the author’s assertion.  I am an intense personality, I mean I am a redhead, it comes with the territory right? But I have also been called abnormally logical for a woman.  The second clause in that sentence is exactly what bothers me about men.  So because I am logical and a woman that is strange?  Seriously?

However, the same man who can compliment my ability to remove all emotion from a situation and handle confrontation rationally can then accuse me of “overreacting” and being “dramatic” when their poor behaviour is called into question.  The idea that both those aspects can truthfully coexist in one human being is a little far-fetched.  I am certainly not asserting that I have NEVER overreacted but it is not my norm.  I am considered to be a strong, independent and intelligent woman. I say that I am “considered” this but I believe it to be true as well or at least I do until a man tells me that I am not.  I am unsure as to what is worse, the fact that I allow myself to judge my entire personality because of what some dude says or the fact that men seem to want to control me with manipulation.  Either way, it is an unhealthy and undesirable cycle.  I find myself making the same excuses and exhibiting the same traits that are described in the article.  Telling someone that it is acceptable that you stood me up, or did not call, or were late, or took the cowardly way out when it is entirely NOT! And why? Because if I tell you what an ahole and how ill-mannered and disrespectful you were, I will be the “crazy” girl.  It is amazing, I spent years in a relationship with someone who manipulated me in this manner and now that I have been back in the dating pool, I have already witnessed it.  I am sorry but common decency and consideration are not too much to ask for and if you are going to try to convince me that they are, you will be met with resistance!

I can only imagine society without the understanding and forgiveness of women.  I also contemplate the legitimacy of the diva philosophy.  I had a friend once that told me I was way too nice and sweet.  She said that this was my problem. She on the other hand acted like a total diva to guys. If they did ONE thing that she did not like, she either totally iced them out or acted like a total bitch.  Unfortunately, this garnered the  opposite reaction that I would expect, they loved it.  They chased her down, begged for her attention, bought her gifts, took her to elaborate dinners and vacations.  They could not get enough and it was almost as if the meaner and more irrational she was, the harder they tried.  Up to this point, I have rejected this philosophy.  If I have to play games and act out of character then I do not want you.  But some men really do seem to respond to the challenge girls, which I appear to be at first.  After awhile though, they figure out that the tough and hardened exterior that I present is just that.  Once the facade is penetrated the goal has been accomplished and interest is lost.  And yet, I hear men endlessly complain about bitches, gold diggers, divas, and self-absorbed women. But when confronted with a good, sweet and caring chick that digs them, it is just too easy.  So the acting out commences and they start testing your resolve.  And when you have finally had enough of the BS and you express your frustration and disapproval, you are a psycho or melodramatic.

I am all for personal accountability and growth but the endless attempts at deflecting responsibility lead nowhere.  I am not crazy for expressing my dislike for something rude and inconsiderate.  It does not make me a drama queen that when I caught you being dishonest I told you that it was unacceptable.  Now if I threw my shoe at you and cursed you out or slashed your tires, maybe……. But merely stating my displeasure, no!

So here’s a thought, women stop criticizing yourselves for being expressive and dudes, if you did something that is not cool, admit it and move on!

Now then 2012, watch out because this girl is feeling empowered 😉

Unconditional Love, Possible?

At first glance anything can appear beautiful, further inspection reveals its flaws.

Shallow tendencies despise and reject this,

deeper understanding illuminates the true perfection in it.

So why do I feel like my flaws are judged so harshly?

I am intense.

I do feel deeply.

I care immensely.

Too much of a good thing can be overwhelming and send people running.

I long for real acceptance.

I yearn to hear that love can be unconditional.

Am I so hard to care for with all my passion and concern?

I have been told that these aspects make me unique and special,

but they seem more like curses when I am consistently met with resistance.

Has everyone forgotten what it means to emote?

Are we all so frightened by our feelings that when confronted with intense emotions our first response is to bail?

I recognize my flaws and want nothing more than to eradicate them but do they really make me so impossible to love?

“You move too fast.”

“You feel  too deeply.”

“You think too much.”

When did theses qualities become so negative?

It used to be that you had to lie, cheat, disrespect, not think before speaking, be too closed off.

Now openness and honesty are the exceptions, the abnormal.

What has happened to us?

Why is love so difficult for some?

Now the question becomes:

Stay true to myself or play the game in order to succeed?

But is that true success?

Is there someone who will accept me for who I am?

Or am I doomed to be caged by conventionalism forever?

Love Comes Again

Love’s door slammed shut

And you opened my window

You shone a light into my darkest corner

A welcome reprieve from all the pain

Your smile comforts me

Your touch calms me

You warmth reminds me

Of all the possibilities

You are that which I have sought

My only hope to satisfy you

My appreciation grows daily

Thank you………

Forgiveness and ambivalence

As I sat in the Zen den last night playing guitar and listening to the invigorating sounds of rain drops pattering my tin roof, a familiar yet unwelcome wave of ambivalence pounded me.  They say that there are 7 steps in the grieving process and acceptance being the final but I am either some alien anomaly or this process has no apodictic conclusion.  This is to say that while I have come to accept the circumstances and the actions at their origin, I am still emotionally undulatory. I suppose what is really plaguing me is that several months ago, I conjured and delivered quite possibly the most venomous email ever, well for me anyway. I had finally reached my breaking point and I felt that not only were the feelings expressed honest but also necessary. Prior to this, throughout the saga I had remained the heroine.  I was understanding, forgiving, loving, compassionate even sympathetic.  All those around me found this most disturbing given the circuitous nature of the situation but I maintained that I would not lower myself to the level on which he was operating.  Unfortunately, that email was the swift and certain end of that.

It is not that I did not mean every word of it, I did.  How could I maintain loving someone who showed me such apathy and disrespect? I could not.  I had to make a stand, or so I believed.  I had to tell him that I never wanted to speak to him again, didn’t I?  To say that my words were rooted in pride would be a fallacy, they were rooted in pain.  In those moments of fingers racing irresponsibly across the keyboard, I recall the sensation of a blatant and brusque realization.  Every action suddenly and ceremoniously slapped me in the face. All those 7 stages in one volcanic, apocalyptic explosion but unfortunately the only emotions conveyed were anger and hate.  At first, I was highly satisfied with myself.  I had taken back my power. I was no longer lending my heart to someone’s immature and erratic whims. I was taking a stand.

Then came the waves of shame.  And now they are waves of regret.  Ambivalence, the mother of all conundrums. And this is precisely the reason that I acted out of love for those first several months because that is who I am.  My ex-fiance told me this morning when I confessed that I was having a delayed reaction to all of this that I am just not capable of not caring.  He said that I never should have written all those things because I am not that person. that I will always care.  I consistently struggle with whether or not that is a negative attribute.  When does forgiving become tolerating? And when does tolerating become egregious? And when does that egregiousness become abuse?

Buddhism is founded on compassion and forgiveness but when is enough, enough? Is it ever ok to condemn someone for horrendous and hurtful actions? Or should we constantly forgive and forget? My intellect tells me that the actions of this man were unforgivable but my heart tells me that I will always love him and that I am better than the things that I said.  I just wish I knew how to protect myself while also being the big-hearted person that apparently, I am.  I used to imagine myself as a statue with cracks, perhaps one of those Greek goddesses missing an appendage or something. Beautiful and flawed. Now I realize that I am still a wobbly ball of clay striving to take form.  I suppose there is freedom in that.

Maybe the real forgiving that is necessary is that of myself.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I5d6pa3EcE&feature=related

2011: Good Riddance!

As the year comes to an end, I can not help but be relieved and excited for this has easily been the worst year of my life. For most that statement would seem or actually be hyperbolic but for me, it is an entirely accurate assessment.  Other years have been difficult, often stressful with equestrian competitions, family health emergencies and work but the incidents were spread out over the course of the year and usually there was some semblance of resolution.  This year, this bastard year has had back to back tragedies and there is no resolution in sight.  Sure, I am emotionally healing from all the loss but it will never be completely gone.  It is almost as if my heart is a bone that has a compound fracture, it will heal with some surgery and some pins and screws but the evidence will always be seen.  A CSI-esque post mortem on me would have the investigators saying, “This woman had her heart-broken, as you can see on the X-ray, those prominent white lines represent the calcification.  It is an old wound, she was most likely 30 years of age when it occurred.”

I guess I assumed that when you reach a certain age there are certain ways of doing things.  When you get to be this wonderful age, you have the right to say things like, “What are we in high school?” But the sad part is that this amazing, magical age when wisdom and maturity take over and all of your actions are rooted in intelligence, logic and past experience, it does not exist.  I am 3o and I have such a horrendous time of comprehending how at this age, people are still acting like children.  And it is not just the 30 year olds, it is 4o years olds and some in their 50’s. Unfortunately, 2011 brought me to the realization that maturity and virtue are absolutely not proportionate to numerical age. I thought, based on past experience that when you break up with someone, you express the reasons and it is a one-on-one conversation.  There is no peanut gallery casting dispersions, no overly dramatic scene just two people who cared for one another ending one relationship and hopefully salvaging another.  My ex-fiance and I were together on and off for seven years and lived together for most of them.  At the conclusion of our relationship, we expressed our deep love for each other but also knew that our relationship had transitioned into more of a friendship.  He is now my dearest and closest friend.  There was no yelling, screaming, name calling, no ugliness at all.  I assumed this was possible with every relationship.  I suppose my thought process is that if I thought highly enough of someone to live with them and even to contemplate marriage, why on earth would I not want them in my life? I have no idea why the general consensus is that ex’s can not and should not remain friends.  Shouldn’t we all have the maturity and unconditional love for one another, that even if one type of relationship does not work, we are still open to another type?  There will never be any resolution to this break up.  William will never tell me why or say he is sorry.  We will never be friends.  I will never see one of my cats again.  William will never see his glorious Siamese boys again.  And I will never understand why everything had to transpire this way.  This kills me.  The fact that he is over in another country and keeps blogging pontifications about American life and the cultural differences and blah, blah, blah also kills me.  No emotion, no regret, no guilt, no love, no friendship just BS.  I guess that is who he is though.  Bottom line: No resolution.

2011 also left me unemployed.  I had a great job that I loved and I was let go not because I did not do my job or because I came in late too many times. No I was fired because my boss fell in love with me and we worked for his in-laws. I knew he was in love with me because he had told me numerous times.  He sent me emails and poems, all expressing that I was his soul mate and he had never felt this way about anyone.  I found all of this hard to believe since he was married and had been for ten years.  At the time his wife was also pregnant.  I tried to reassure him that he was just having these feelings because he was stressed about everything and needed an emotional distraction but he maintained that his feelings were real.  I told William about all of this because I thought it was important to be honest, I had no idea this information would be revised and used against me later.  I told my boss over and over again that I was in a committed relationship and that I was not going anywhere and that he and his wife should get counseling, which they did.  But at some point, he was overwhelmed and decided to tell her that he was in love with another woman.  From what I understand which is second-hand, he was honest with her and said that nothing had ever happened between us but that he was still in love with me.  Apparently though, the fact that we had no physical contact whatsoever was of no relevance.  The fact that I was not in love with him was of no relevance. 24 hours later, we were both fired. This also happened to occur the same weekend that William left.  Yeah, real shitty weekend! And has my boss ever called to apologize for his lapse in judgment which cost me my job? No.  Has he ever called the “love of  his life” to see how I am doing? No.  So again, no resolution.

I suppose the worst aspect of 2011 is that it has left me questioning everything.  I was a solid Buddhist before all of this.  I believed in astrology and the Aquarian Age shift, hell I was stoked about it.  I believed that people were inherently good but that every now and they messed up.  I believed that I was in a good relationship with a good guy.  I believed that I was on my way to having a career in an industry that I loved.  I believed that you get out what you put in.  I believed that all my hard work was going to pay off.  I believed that everything works out in the end.

So 2011, good riddance.  I am so ready for this year to be over. 2012 Bring it on! End of the world? Whatever, my world already ended. Bring it on!  This year WILL be better.  This year will be what I make of it! This year I will not be naive.  This year I will not let other people interfere with my goals and my standards for myself.  This year I will not be caught off guard.  This year is going to be about me and my quest to be the best version of myself possible.  And I can not wait!

Mardi, c’est triste

In search of truth,

discovered only lies

moods controlled by outside stimuli

opinions are shackles,

leaving bruised flesh.

 

Monday was much more promising

Sunday was fooled by creativity

Mardi is perplexing and sad

 

Self-esteem resting on the shoulders of others

it is a dangerous game

one moment ecstasy

and next the inevitable fall

 

why should your apathy

be met with my agony?

why is my value assigned by your insensitivity?

 

how do I overcome this red cherry funk?

 

the last remnants of a lost love,

encased by cardboard on a patio

written words,

pictures,

cards,

all of them meaningless now

 

circumstances change rapidly when you are comfortable

and when fraught with confusion they loiter lasciviously

mercredi be merciful

I need the respite

 

 

 

Men Children: A nationwide growing epidemic

Where have all the cowboys gone? Paula Cole made a very astute observation many years ago and unfortunately it is still true today. What has happened to all the men? Increasingly I am witnessing a growing epidemic of emotionally spoiled, entitled, immature men children.   What is a man-child?  Most likely we have all encountered them.  The guy that wants to go dutch on every beginning date because he feels that it is unfair to just expect the man to pay and he makes sure to preface this with, “Well it is 2011, I mean women are just as independent and capable now.” Did you just use the entire feminist movement to guilt me into paying? Douche.  Or the guy that after you have been dating for months makes you feel like you are a co-dependent hot mess because you expect him to take care of you when you are sick.  Seriously dude? I have taken off work, missed my own birthday celebration to take care of you but when I am sick, I should just suck it up and rub some dirt in it?  Some serious role reversals are taking place and they are not good! I have even experienced the I can not be intimate right now because I am stressed and emotional. Aren’t I supposed to be saying that?  Something has to be done. But first I like to hypothesize how this epidemic even started.

First, I blame the parents.  I have seen the way mothers of my generation coddle their sons.  They groom them to believe that they are the most wonderful and talented individuals on the face of the earth and therefore everyone should treat them accordingly.  Every little thing that these men children do is rewarded with this unconditional and unrealistic support.  This creates an environment where we as women can say nothing against these creatures because if we do, we are immediately met with defensiveness, hostility and a total unwillingness to understand.  These boys also run to their mothers with every last problem and piece of gossip, nothing is sacred in relationships with these tools.  They will tell their mothers the most intimate and personal information that you share with them and next thing you know, you are being disparaged.  My ex’s parents helped him to do probably the most irresponsible thing that he will ever do in his lifetime.  They actually encouraged him to leave me pregnant with his child, quit his job, leave the state and then move to another country in a matter of months.  My parents would disown my brother if he even thought about doing that to someone.  But there in lies the problem, in his parent’s mind he can do no wrong.  There were never any consequences for anything he ever did, so in his world consequences do not exist.  For anyone who has studied psychology or I do not know, has common sense, you are not creating a well-adjusted adult by making them think that the universe revolves around them.  In effect you are creating a narcissist who may never be able to have a meaningful connection with anyone, let alone a lifelong mate.  And guess who has to deal with your little monster, us.

Secondly I blame us.  I know it is unfortunate but some of us women are to blame as well.  I think with all of our desire to be equal, we have given these types of men excuses to behave this way.  I hear their arguments and it all originates there.  They question why they must open the door for us when we are perfectly capable or better yet why do we not open the door for them?  I have been at an exceptional disadvantage having been a professional fighter.  I asked my ex to come pick me up one night from my hair appointment, he had dropped me off earlier and gone to a sports bar down the street to watch hockey.  I called him around 10 or 10:30 when I was finished and asked that he come get me.  His response was that I should just walk, it was only a couple of blocks right?  His argument being that what was the worst that could happen and I am a fighter so I can take care of myself.  The frustrating part was that he was right, I could take care of myself but should I have to?  Is it really too much to ask that we are treated like ladies no matter what our profession?  It feels like they are the ladies now.  The other reason I kind of blame women for these men are that we tolerate them.  If we all rebelled and refused to go dutch on a legit date or never fed into their narcissistic tendencies, they would be forced to evolve.  Adapt or die.  But I know how difficult it is first hand.  I loved my ex more than anything and therefore I was willing to tolerate his behaviour and make excuses for him.  At some point he actually convinced me that I was wrong and that I should do things his way.  I let myself be run over instead of standing my ground.  Lesson learned.

Sadly, these idiots are all around us.  They feel entitled to be taken care of financially, emotionally and physically.  Chivalry is some antiquated term they heard in a movie once.  Some girl that they had actually been good to, crushed them at some point in their life and we are all to be punished for it.  Being a man to them means holding down a job and taking care of themselves but not being responsible for anyone else.  Your emotions and needs are nothing but burdens to them, chains that shackle them and enslave them to lives of monotony.  I am reminded of an exchange in Casino Royale when Vesper tells Bond that she would not go so far as to call him a cold-hearted bastard but it would not be a stretch to think that he considers women as disposable objects rather than meaningful pursuits.  It is certainly not just Bond that treats women this way, more and more it is almost every guy that I run into.  Even when I am not personally involved, I hear stories.  Is every man like this? I hope not and I am sure that there are wonderful, attentive, loving, caring, responsible, emotionally balanced and healthy men out there.  I am just concerned that they are few and far between at this point.

So I say to you men: Yes, we are equal.  We are just as strong, smart, and talented as you. This does not mean that we are not still women who should be treated with respect and courtesy.  Open a friggin door once in a while, if you are broke and can not pay for an expensive meal, make us dinner, hell microwave some popcorn and put in a movie.  And for heaven sake’s learn to appreciate the beauty of waking up  next to an extraordinary woman who loves you no matter how sick, how gross, how annoying or how many times you checked out that waitress’ deriere.  Because there is one thing that we have that you do not, the ability to endlessly forgive and love unconditionally.  You think that our emotions are our downfalls when really it is where we derive strength.

It is time for a change and an end to this epidemic because I for one do not see the point.  All these men children need to wake up and realize the only thing that they are accomplishing is making themselves obsolete.  If we are expected to pay for everything, expected to take care of ourselves emotionally and otherwise, handle all the household responsibilities then why the hell do we need you?  I have enough children to raise, I am not looking for another one, especially one that is in his 30’s!

I am woman, hear me roar 😉

 

 

 

Ok Universe, I surrender!

After a harrowing David Lynch is directing my life weekend, I required some much-needed R&R but to no avail.  Over the course of the past six months I have experienced trauma, loss, joy, pain, understanding, growth, shock, awe and just generalized weirdness.  Previously I was not a cynical person but I am beginning to comprehend how they are forged.  People whom I cared for very deeply have behaved in ways that are unfathomable to me and I have been left questioning why and how in many circumstances.  The lowest of the low and the highest of the high have all fallen during this journey.  I have witnessed the human condition in its entirety and the conclusions are less than pleasant.  What I am most displeased about is the disparities that exist in people and that there is no way to discover these without putting yourself in some kind of danger, emotionally anyway.  And unfortunately this is consistent in all types of relationships.  Friends have lashed out, family has shocked me and dating well, yikes let us not even go there. But every day I make a conscious effort to be appreciative for all the things that I do have.  My amazing house, my glorious animals, my youth, my health, meditation, all the last remaining functioning brain cells and of course my dear dear friends. It is a pretty good list.  So maybe all these issues that are weighing on me are just tethers to be cut so that I can liberate myself.  I was told yesterday that I have a propensity to over think things.  I am sure that it is an accurate assessment but why do I over think? Well, I thought about it a lot (insert laughter here)  after it was said to me and I have found it is because I am so afraid to mess up.  One wrong word, one questionable facial gesticulation, a misinterpreted tone and everything goes to hell. Apparently I am supposed to be some kind of enlightened Buddha, never allowing myself to feel or demonstrate anger and always knowing the right path to take.  Yeah, that’s no pressure.  I suppose what I am truly bothered by is what I think we are becoming.  Evolution and growth seem to have taken a back seat to petty, self-indulgent drama.

Example #1: Facebook is evil or at least I am pretty sure that it is.  Yes, I have heard all the pro FB arguments. It allows me to stay in touch with people and friends around the world. It has gotten me back in touch with old friends and so forth. But really, could you not just email them or hey perhaps even pick up a phone?  I started a facebook account just for my ex and me so that his family could feel more included in our lives and it has caused me more grief than anything.  The other day I actually had a “defriending” conversation. Really?  We are defriending now?  I am quite certain that if I do not wish to be someone’s friend, they will know about it in REAL life.  This person thought that I had “defriended” him, duh duh duh dunnnnn.  After the shock and disdain wore off and I assured him that I in fact had not done that and that I am also not the kind of person that does something like that, I got to thinking, is this really where we are as human beings now? Defriending people? It seems so juvenile much more like a school yard behaviour than a legitimate expression.  I have never defriended anyone.  I honestly do not see the point.  I have not even defriended my ex’s family members.  Sure some of them defriended me but that is on them, not me.  And when they did that I was honestly hurt and offended.  I allowed myself to become upset over being defriended, it is so pathetic.  The energy that I could have used doing something creative or helpful perhaps even enlightening sucked away by life on Facebook.  And it is even changing the way that we date, the way we perceive ourselves and how we interact when we are in each other’s presence.  I was at a table the other night and everyone was so busy checking in and tagging people that conversation was literally non-existent for almost ten minutes! Is that healthy? Probably not.

Example #2: Everybody lies.  My yoga teacher told me that he was going to write a book and call it Everybody Lies.  It is actually going to be the first in a trilogy.  The second book he wanted to name, Everybody Loves.  We tried to come up with the last but unfortunately we could not come up with anything as humorous or witty as Everybody Lies.  When he first told me about this endeavor, I scoffed at it because I believed it was a false statement.  Surely, EVERYBODY does not lie, right? Wrong.  I realized recently that he is right, everybody does lie in some way shape or form.  Whether it is an insincere laugh or that compliment that is solely made in order to give a false sense of security, we all lie.  If this is the case, do we ever have any truly honest exchanges?  It is frightening to think that we are using our ability to express ourselves to manipulate and falsify rather than to gain higher knowledge and understanding of one another and our surroundings.  I try to always be honest and to be tactful if I need to say something that someone does not want to hear but even I lie.  I have smiled when I wanted to scream or said I was fine when I was not.  Is lying a necessity or should we all give total honesty a shot and see what happens? Wish I had all the answers.

I love life and I love being here and having all my senses. I just wish we could get back to a time when things were simpler, if there ever was a time like that. I hope that we will find ways to encourage real communication, evolve ourselves beyond petty belief systems and seek the truth rather than what we want to believe.