As the year comes to an end, I can not help but be relieved and excited for this has easily been the worst year of my life. For most that statement would seem or actually be hyperbolic but for me, it is an entirely accurate assessment. Other years have been difficult, often stressful with equestrian competitions, family health emergencies and work but the incidents were spread out over the course of the year and usually there was some semblance of resolution. This year, this bastard year has had back to back tragedies and there is no resolution in sight. Sure, I am emotionally healing from all the loss but it will never be completely gone. It is almost as if my heart is a bone that has a compound fracture, it will heal with some surgery and some pins and screws but the evidence will always be seen. A CSI-esque post mortem on me would have the investigators saying, “This woman had her heart-broken, as you can see on the X-ray, those prominent white lines represent the calcification. It is an old wound, she was most likely 30 years of age when it occurred.”
I guess I assumed that when you reach a certain age there are certain ways of doing things. When you get to be this wonderful age, you have the right to say things like, “What are we in high school?” But the sad part is that this amazing, magical age when wisdom and maturity take over and all of your actions are rooted in intelligence, logic and past experience, it does not exist. I am 3o and I have such a horrendous time of comprehending how at this age, people are still acting like children. And it is not just the 30 year olds, it is 4o years olds and some in their 50’s. Unfortunately, 2011 brought me to the realization that maturity and virtue are absolutely not proportionate to numerical age. I thought, based on past experience that when you break up with someone, you express the reasons and it is a one-on-one conversation. There is no peanut gallery casting dispersions, no overly dramatic scene just two people who cared for one another ending one relationship and hopefully salvaging another. My ex-fiance and I were together on and off for seven years and lived together for most of them. At the conclusion of our relationship, we expressed our deep love for each other but also knew that our relationship had transitioned into more of a friendship. He is now my dearest and closest friend. There was no yelling, screaming, name calling, no ugliness at all. I assumed this was possible with every relationship. I suppose my thought process is that if I thought highly enough of someone to live with them and even to contemplate marriage, why on earth would I not want them in my life? I have no idea why the general consensus is that ex’s can not and should not remain friends. Shouldn’t we all have the maturity and unconditional love for one another, that even if one type of relationship does not work, we are still open to another type? There will never be any resolution to this break up. William will never tell me why or say he is sorry. We will never be friends. I will never see one of my cats again. William will never see his glorious Siamese boys again. And I will never understand why everything had to transpire this way. This kills me. The fact that he is over in another country and keeps blogging pontifications about American life and the cultural differences and blah, blah, blah also kills me. No emotion, no regret, no guilt, no love, no friendship just BS. I guess that is who he is though. Bottom line: No resolution.
2011 also left me unemployed. I had a great job that I loved and I was let go not because I did not do my job or because I came in late too many times. No I was fired because my boss fell in love with me and we worked for his in-laws. I knew he was in love with me because he had told me numerous times. He sent me emails and poems, all expressing that I was his soul mate and he had never felt this way about anyone. I found all of this hard to believe since he was married and had been for ten years. At the time his wife was also pregnant. I tried to reassure him that he was just having these feelings because he was stressed about everything and needed an emotional distraction but he maintained that his feelings were real. I told William about all of this because I thought it was important to be honest, I had no idea this information would be revised and used against me later. I told my boss over and over again that I was in a committed relationship and that I was not going anywhere and that he and his wife should get counseling, which they did. But at some point, he was overwhelmed and decided to tell her that he was in love with another woman. From what I understand which is second-hand, he was honest with her and said that nothing had ever happened between us but that he was still in love with me. Apparently though, the fact that we had no physical contact whatsoever was of no relevance. The fact that I was not in love with him was of no relevance. 24 hours later, we were both fired. This also happened to occur the same weekend that William left. Yeah, real shitty weekend! And has my boss ever called to apologize for his lapse in judgment which cost me my job? No. Has he ever called the “love of his life” to see how I am doing? No. So again, no resolution.
I suppose the worst aspect of 2011 is that it has left me questioning everything. I was a solid Buddhist before all of this. I believed in astrology and the Aquarian Age shift, hell I was stoked about it. I believed that people were inherently good but that every now and they messed up. I believed that I was in a good relationship with a good guy. I believed that I was on my way to having a career in an industry that I loved. I believed that you get out what you put in. I believed that all my hard work was going to pay off. I believed that everything works out in the end.
So 2011, good riddance. I am so ready for this year to be over. 2012 Bring it on! End of the world? Whatever, my world already ended. Bring it on! This year WILL be better. This year will be what I make of it! This year I will not be naive. This year I will not let other people interfere with my goals and my standards for myself. This year I will not be caught off guard. This year is going to be about me and my quest to be the best version of myself possible. And I can not wait!