The dust of chaos settles upon an uncertain foundation
bewildering situations encourage evolution
the ubiquitous amethyst haze slowly dissipating daily
kind words of strangers rest upon my ears and heart
and gently remedy the illness of insecurity
the real cure though coming from within
experiences wash over my psyche and bombard my senses
as the electricity of a touch, kiss, smile
send slight, surprising shocks down my spine
each cell crying out with relief
the future unknown,
the past abominable,
the present perfectly flawed
it is a new day, new year, new me………..
Yesterday was a day full of weddings. It was if everyone I knew was getting married. Being a spiritual person, I understood why so many people had chosen to get married yesterday. It was 11/11/11. A date that by astrological predictions is the first major shift into the Aquarian age. This new age is supposed to be quite a paradigm departure from what we have known. It is a shift from self-serving attitudes and using technology for solely information gathering to a new age of truth, hope and peace. An age in which we are all supposed to come from our hearts and use our compassion to help and heal, an all around more loving and peaceful time for all humanity. So why was I so ambivalent and confused?
I had honestly, been dreading this wedding. I wanted to see my cousin get married and I really enjoyed the idea of reconnecting with family members that I had not seen in many, many years but there was an underlying current of fear. Having recently been abandoned by a person that I thought that I was going to marry, the idea of being around such a romantic situation scared me to death. The last thing that anyone wants to do on someone else’s wedding day is have an all out emotional break down. I struggled with the decision for several days and in the end I decided that it would be too selfish of me not to go solely because of what I had just been through so I begged a friend to go with me and we went.
The wedding was lovely and everyone was so happy to be there and several of my family members were elated that I had chosen to attend, which obviously made me feel good but as the evening progressed it was like a bad 80’s teen movie and unfortunately I was the star. I was totally having one of those moments where every song reminds you of your ex. It was brutal. I mean seriously, did someone call him and make a freaking playlist? Despite the inner turmoil that I felt, I maintained a charming smile and made sure that no one not even my date realized what was really happening. I laughed. drank, joked and socialized as if I were the happiest person in the room but inside I was practically dying.
I suppose a good deal of the pain emerged from the sense that I thought I was going to be a bride. I had often pictured what our wedding would be like, what songs we would play and the look on his face as I said that I would love, cherish and honor him for the rest of my life. It’s really hard not to let your mind run away from you. All of a sudden thoughts raced through my brain and the emotions shortly after. I was so sad. I wondered what it would have been like to be there with him or what our friends would have said about us in their toasts. I felt such an enormous loss. The loss of a future that I longed for with all my heart. But it was not my wedding, I was not there with him and I might never see or speak to this person again. Finality punched me in the face for what I hope is the last time.
It has been a little over five months since William left Austin and almost a month since he left the country. It is amazing how long this process takes. Given how he chose to end our relationship and how he has acted since, I would have thought and hoped that I would be over it by now but I still feel like I have a way to go in the healing process. And I hate it! Those around the situation maintain that I should be so angry with him and in fact hate him for what he did and therefore should feel nothing but relief at the fact that he is gone, perhaps forever. Yet, no matter how may times I hear what a douchebag he was or how I deserve so much better or the favorite quote, “You really dodged a bullet”, I am still left picking up the pieces of a shattered person. One of the reasons that all of my friend’s advice is somewhat obsolete is that I loved him. I really loved him and that is not ever going to change. It is not in me to hate him. How do you hate someone who you chose to live with for over three years? I can not do it. I may hate his actions and I may be infuriated by the things that he has said and his astounding level of apathy but I will always love him. A flaw that I can not seem to transform.
I am plagued by the same thoughts that I believe most people who have been dumped are plagued by. What was so wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? And perhaps the most damaging, why was I not good enough? As I try to rebuild myself, I try to find a way to view things from a more objective perspective. I try to take responsibility for any actions that I took that I am less than proud of and take personal inventory of how I could better handle those situations in the future. I also try to ascertain what issues are not mine and were products of his own flaws. I try not to let his issues affect me anymore and solely deal with my own behaviour but it is difficult to differentiate sometimes. The pain persists and I question whether it will ever really be gone. In the meantime I am doing everything that I can to get over this situation and at the very least handle it with some grace and class.
That is why break ups suck. They cause you to question everything and sometimes they destroy any self-confidence or sense of yourself and require a total overhaul. I can certainly say that I am not the same person I was five months ago, physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. I hope that in the end I will have forged a better me. I have always been told that diamonds are forged under extreme pressure and I hope that the saying will translate in my life. I hope that all these broken pieces that I am reclaiming and carefully reconstructing will be stronger and more adept. So while going to the wedding last night was difficult and there were times when I thought I could not handle it, I am glad that I went. It was another chance for me to test my new resolve and a chance for me to learn more about myself and to be proud of who I am becoming.
My advice to anyone going through a difficult break up would be to always behave in a way that is true to yourself. Take the high road when possible, even though it is tedious. Always act of compassion and love. Speak your truth. And be gentle with yourself. Because though the pain can seem unbearable and hope is often a distant memory, you can overcome and you will! It has been five months for me and I am not there yet but I am much farther along than I was two months ago and that is something.