Blog Archives

Wrongful wishes

 

I wish you would disappear

amongst the rubble of your hypocrisy

your words are meaningless

and wholly untrue

You float through this life

casting dispersions like gem stones

the man who knows something,

knows he knows nothing

your world is full of adventures and random people

but does anyone call you friend?

love is the only way

and you have lost the path

but it is not for me to judge your existence

only to take heed not to recreate

all that is you in myself

                             or someone else

the pain of loss has long since subsided

all that is left are trivial memories

that one day too shall dissipate

bubbles popping joyously

“You’re such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Angelos Petra

Awaking to the absence of bliss

For you have departed this red room

Leaving only the sensation of light

And a cool dessert lingering

You vacationed in my essence

A chance to feel that which you have lost

I would give it all to you

But now what do we do?

You are riding waves of ambivalency

Bound by conventionality

And shackled by common perceptions

Both my inherent enemies

I only ruled by heart and mind

Am left waiting for your Queen’s Gambit

Will you follow what you sense is true?

And commence the necessary coup

I can liberate you from the pain of indecision

To walk amongst my appreciation

I too have seen an angel in the stone

And will carve until I free him

In this present is now simply past

Memories of the lushness of the river

And the chartreuse in your eyes

Gleaming off the optimism in mine

Anticipation of velvety kisses,

Ubiquitous in every exchange

Laughter interspersed with longing looks

I know this path well

I chance my destruction

For the opportunity of intense connection.

Summer is Here and I am Free

I float above the cloudy hot days

Immune to its gravity haze

Time has been both friend and foe

Manic highs and depressed lows

A slave no more

to my shackled core

With persistence I broke free

to again feel and see

This summer nothing like last

For I am now done with the past

Moving forward in honor and glory

Is truly the end to this story

Cicadas with their rhythmic sounds

Texas size skies that astound

I sit on the river just to feel

All that is beautiful and surreal

Gratitude flows down my spine

while the scent of oak and pine

pervades my very essence

there is joy in your absence

The water is healing and full of life

I am no longer anger and strife

My soul is floating in the clouds

No longer covered by your shroud

Summer is here and I am free

To yet again feel and see

All that there is to be thankful for

Mother Nature, my saviour.

Fraudulence: How do you decipher its origin?

 

After an exhausting weekend, full of adventure and oddity, I am left pondering. Do people who are totally full of shit know it? Are they intentionally and willingly fraudulent or are they so self unaware that it is accidental?

Example: Saturday night I went out with a guy that was extremely interested in me some years ago and that was hurt by the fact that I would not leave my then boyfriend to be with him, well that turned out to be a waste of loyalty but that is beside the point. This guy, lets call him J, was there for me after the break up and really helped to take care of me during the hardest parts which I thought was admirable and kind but then disappeared for many months. He called me this weekend to ask me to meet him and some of his friends at the bar where we actually had met, as I had a gap in my schedule for that evening, I complied. I had little to no expectations as I have found that having them only leads to disappointment anyway and thought that it would simply be nice to catch up and see how he had been doing other than the lame FB posts that I had seen.  When I arrived he was clearly happy to see me and kindly told me how beautiful I looked and commented on my physique which I had been working rather tirelessly on and I excitedly thanked him. We sat down at the table with all of his friends and began chatting, all pretty standard. Not even 20 minutes into the evening, he changed his body language to directly face me and grabbed my hand in his. He then proceeded to tell me that he loved me and that he always had. He continued to say that he had disappeared because he was afraid that if we had begun seeing each other that it would be more of a rebound for me and that he could not chance his heart on something he thought to be short-lived.  He also expressed concern that should William ever return that I would be drawn to getting back together with him. I assured him that William would never again be any part of my life for any reason and that should he return which was highly doubtful anyway that he would be met with nothing but disdain and disappointment. At this point he asked me if I wanted to give being with him a shot, that after all he had loved me for years now and that finally he felt as if we were both in a position to be together and have it be successful.  Now for anyone that knows me really well, I am usually quite moved by expressions of emotion and am a bit susceptible to being persuaded by them as well but after all that I have endured recently it has become much more difficult.  It is not that I out right did not believe him or felt as he was manipulating me, it was just a matter of do his words and his actions directly match up? I can say from what I have observed over the past few days that they do not. So the question remains, did he mean all the things that he said or was it all just BS to try to accomplish some self-serving goal? And if it was BS did he even realize he was doing it?

 

Example #2: The dreaded bastard ex.  If I could credit any one human being for completely destroying any faith I had in humanity and for eliminating any trust I have that people are what they say they are, its him. Forget that this person told me over and over again how much they loved me and that I was the one for him and then brutally left me in possibly the worst of scenarios. Forget that apparently this person lied to everyone involved in the situation so that his cowardice would be tolerated. Hell even forget that he waffled back and forth between telling me that he “had been with more attractive women than me,” and telling me how gorgeous I was. Forgetting all that because it is in the past and holds little to no meaning for me anymore, there is still the present fraudulence which he continuously spews forth from a laptop in Asia. In reference to society’s obsession with FB he writes things like:

 In fact, in the 21st century it is more natural to be laid bare and completely open in your yearning for approval and recognition than it would be to hide your feelings. We are gregarious, we are desirous of living an examined life for Plato said that anything less than that is not worth living. We use introspection balanced with external comments to search our emotional responses to the world. To be honest with yourself in the age of reality shows and celeb-worship is to know that you would probably take, if not relish for some time, the constant scrutiny and phony devotion of being the one in the camera’s flash instead of the one pushing the button. The world is changing again, as it always will. The exaggeration of daily life, and the magnification of minutiae is thrust into our faces like mall perfume samples. I wonder if the rise in depression is due to people feeling unworthy of living because they aren’t being photographed or pulled aside for interviews. Do we feel unimportant because only our family and friends care about us, as opposed to strangers worshipping us through the magazine pages or the Hollywood blockbusters? Even as I write this, I do wonder who will read it, who will appreciate it. We want to feel alive and needed, we want to leave our mark upon this world.

Or in reference to the duality of life and all the myriad of amazing philosophical epiphanies he has had:

 Last week at the the Buddhist temple of heaven and earth, I felt the feeling I’ve felt for a long time now, but saw it manifested before me. Namely, that what we call right and wrong are constructs of our society. There is, has been and always will be only what is done and not done. If you see evil happening and do nothing, that’s what you do—in your non-action lies your action. If you hurt someone, you did it. If you help someone, you did it. It is the existential power we all possess and gives meaning to every single choice we can ever make. You can choose with each step of your life, positive or negative behaviors. What is right for one is wrong for another. Christianity and Islam are not right or wrong, one is right for one group of people, and therefore the other appears wrong. Murder, rape, theft et al. are unequivocally wrong, because it takes the choice away from the other person, but it is done. The thief wants money, takes it, it is right for him, but wrong to the person from whom he stole. The laws of regulation are necessary in a functioning society, but within those boundaries, you can find your own philosophy of right action.

Or perhaps my personal favorite when describing a beautifully debauched Wednesday:

We talked about why I wasn’t married, how the kindergarten teachers were attractive but hard to talk to, how he was wearing a special tie today with lots of glitter because the parents would all be present today for the kindy graduation.  The one who spoke the most English, and was the most pleasant was my Korean co-teacher’s uncle and never seemed that nice before.  He was charming.  He was so interested in talking to me.  I ate my dinner, they paid and I thought they were walking me home.  It turned out, we were headed for a second place to talk and drink soju.  I told them I had to go home.  Here I am writing this, getting drunker the more I write, as the drink keeps hitting more of my body.  It’s the Hemingway kind of drunk, where things still seem new and exciting.  It’s not the kind of Bukowski drunk where you just finished hitting your wife, and you’re feeling guilty so you drink kind of drunk.  I really would have loved to hear more stories, but I know the drunker you get the worse your foreign language gets but the more accessible it is to your mouth.  It’s like you have more words, but less grammar, making for a terribly incoherent but verbose rant about nothing.  It was a good Wednesday.

It is so funny, many months ago I would have been bothered by these things, even upset by them but now I just find them humorous and fascinating even if a bit sad. Because you see he is the epitome of what I am questioning because I wonder if he is aware of just how ridiculous these things sound coming from him, this person that enlisted my help for this “drinking problem” but then brags and relishes his debauchery. Hemingway drunk? Really? This person that philosophizes right and wrong, action and inaction as if he comprehends any of that. Unequivocally wrong? You mean like leaving your girlfriend of 3.5 yrs pregnant and disappearing to a foreign country? It is simply bewildering how this person can say these things having done what they have done and with such ease. And again the question remains, do people who are so obviously full of shit, know it? Or have they created their own reality in their minds that enables them to act so hypocritically and yet believe everything that they think and say is true?  The deeper question is in today’s society is it easier for these people to get away with this kind of behaviour? It is very interesting to me from a psychological stand point and I wonder if there will ever be a time when this technological advancement allows for individuals like this to be “called out” as it were instead of them being able to use it towards their own shameless self promotion. What has happened to us? Why are we all so much more concerned with how things appear versus what they really are? Are we all so ashamed of who we are and what we have done that we construct this amazing facade of a human being and use misdirection to alleviate our own self-loathing? Why not just direct all that time and energy towards living an honorable and truthful existence? I would rather have someone love me, knowing everything that I have done good, bad and otherwise than have someone fall in love with the mask. But I still wonder, are these people doing all this intentionally or are they really so lost in their own heads?

Today I am thankful for my ex and all the lessons he has taught me. I am thankful that I am more scrutinizing and less gullible. I am thankful that he demonstrated the age-old adage that actions do in fact speak louder than words and that through this experience, I truly believe that I will never have to suffer the same pain again because I will pay much more attention to the man behind the curtain. So really as much as I have fought it, today I can honestly say, he did me a favor. And with that comes a sense of peace and completion. Sigh.

Creation from Destruction

A damaged soul basking in the light of the full moon

An Indigo child waiting for the Aquarian Age

Will the chaos transform into awakened consciousness?

The sleeping numbers, eyes closed only to the truth

their inaction the gravest of their sins……

I feel the chill of winter

I feel the sting of misplaced hope

I long for the taste of peace

As the energies intensify so does my need for resolution

the end of the world is drawing near

and yet I am unafraid

my universe died some months ago,

my civilization burned to the ground

But I have seen the Phoenix,

I flew upon her wings

The end of the world is nearing,

and I am unafraid.

Because I built a civilization on the ashes of another

Where there was rubble and destruction,

I became the architect of transformation.

Complex and contradictory,

I bask in the glow of the full moon,

and welcome everything to come.

Awakened, prepared and having already survived its’ end………………….

A love lost

The most meaningful words can fall upon deaf ears

the heart’s truth gushing forth the blood of emotionalism

and yet its recipient lacks observation.

 

Yours was the guillotine that sliced through my optimism

Your words and actions, the tools of torture

Your judgement and apathy, weapons of mass destruction

 

 

Needle in hand, I will suture my heart

Pen in hand, I will sooth my soul

Guyan Mudra in hand, I will meditate through the conflict

 

Love has left a lasting impression

Its chalk outline never leaving

only fading in and out, sometimes brighter and more recent

other times, barely visible under the light of life experience………

 

whoever said it is better to have loved and lost,

never loved you.

 

 

 

Am I Crazy?

Personal evolution is beginning to feel like a spiritual board game.  I take several steps, sometimes leaps forward and inevitably there is backward motion as well.  I suppose that it is necessary in order to continue moving forward while truly comprehending the path that has been taken.  I began this blogging adventure as a means to process and heal from a terrible break up.  To some, that was courageous and creative. To others it is”crazy” and misunderstood. For the latter, I wish that you could  understand my motives.  I want to have a voice.  When another human being takes control of your life and makes a unilateral and highly destructive decision and actions are forced upon you, you are helpless.  You are no longer an integral part of your own fate, you are plunged into the reality of reaction.  My reactions have spanned the spectrum of human emotion but in the end, I have been pretty impressed with my progress and the way in which I maintained my personal integrity.  But, I am human and I have my set backs, like today.

When it was first brought to my attention that Will was writing a blog and had been secretly for some time, I anxiously and fearfully read it. And there is nothing worse than learning about someone who you thought you knew through their writings.  About the only thing that comes close to this sensation of removed enlightenment, is the falseness of their words.  Upon discovering that he adores making himself seem like a deep, highly evolved, spiritual and altruistic person, I decided that I had read enough.  I KNEW the truth, I had survived it.  And thus I told myself with the encouragement of my friends, that I would not read it again.  Honestly, nothing positive was going to come from it but unfortunately I have masochistic tendencies and every now and then my curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself typing those pathetic letters into google and making the same mistake that I promised myself I would not.  And this is what I found today: http://williamsabia.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/not-so-fast/

Immediately enraged and disgusted, I came to the conclusion that the only person at fault for these overwhelming emotions, was me.  I had let my curiosity overwhelm my logic.  And it is disappointing when you realize that you are the one who is hurting yourself.  I mean he is NOT going to change, he never was.  So why do I even let it bother me?  I have been asked the same question over and over again, why do I do this to myself?  Well this morning, I finally figured it out.  A dangerous combination of optimism and disbelief.

The optimism tempts me and the disbelief is constant.  I suppose I hope that at some point there will be an apology or an epiphany, something. But it never comes.  I am shockingly still amazed at his ability to learn every life lesson there is to learn except for the one he needs to learn.  Self awareness is not something that you spew forth on a blog entry and create in order to garner the acceptance and praise of others.  It is something that you work towards on a daily basis and my main reason for self-awareness is so that I do not hurt other people or myself with destructive, selfish behaviour.  That is why when my blog is read, you see the flaws, you hear the doubt and you read the truth.  When I talk about Buddha it is not some concept that I throw out because it sounds interesting and philosophical. I have been Buddhist for many years now and it is something that is dear to me so to have the one that hurt me so deeply quoting and paraphrasing beliefs, it is almost insulting.  I want to scream, “HOW DARE YOU?!?”

How dare you act like you are a good person? How dare you not take responsibility for your actions? How dare you talk about love and loss? What did you lose? You ran half way around the world and YOU are talking about loss and pain! How dare you?  I could go on forever with these but in the end this is not about him. The problem is me.

I write extremely personal and unadulterated things because it may save someone from making the same mistakes.  Yeah I guess it is “crazy” to put such things out there in the vastness of the internet.  I honestly wrote the majority of this yesterday and saved it because I was unsure if I wanted to post it.  I began fearing what it would make me appear to be.  I have been told by my sibling several times that this blog, well at least the personal aspect of it makes me look like a psycho girl and so I felt like maybe I should change the direction of it.  Perhaps solely post my poetry or begin writing the treatment for my book but then I realized what a hypocrite I would be.  Anyone can write and share the easy stuff.  The anonymous things that can self promote, it is much more difficult to share your true nature and allow for the possibility of judgment.  If people want to judge me for being hurt, then so be it.  If people want to think that I am a “psycho” because I tell the truth and am unafraid of showing myself, again, so be it.  I know who I am., perhaps for the first time in a very long time.

I am a human who has loved and lost.  I am a woman who is nearing the completion of a very long and arduous process of growth.  I am a Buddhist who is trying to remember the tenants of my beliefs.  I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. Things are not always rainbows and sunshine but they are also not always gray and dark.  This is what I have learned.  I am learning to let go of the things that are painful and remain open to the beauty in life.  I am learning to accept that the Universe is not going to give me what I want but rather what I need.  I am learning what makes me strong and unique but also the traits that are less desirable and need to be addressed.  But is this not the point of living?  I choose to do this openly and I will continue to because I will not be that which I loathe.  I will not only post things that make me look enlightened and interesting.  I hope others will be comforted in that, it is ok to be wherever you are in your process and on your path.  It is ok to have doubts and to question your actions and your emotions.  It is ok to be who you are and to acknowledge your mistakes.

This year will be about this philosophy.  I will be stronger than ever.  I will make more forward progress.  I will recognize my regressions, examine them and move on.  I will continue to work diligently on strengthening my mind and body so that when I look back on this situation, I will know that I conquered it. It may have been painful and exhaustive.  It may have even taken longer than I would have liked. But I will know that I can do anything and I did.  I will also know that I am prepared for any circumstance and that should something of this nature creep its way back into my realm, I will have the skills necessary to move through it more gracefully and more constructively.  I am finding power in my flaws because in the end, they will make me work to be the person that I want to be.

So there it is. If I am crazy then that is fine, I can conquer that too!

Reflect

The dust of chaos settles upon an uncertain foundation

bewildering situations encourage evolution

the ubiquitous amethyst haze slowly dissipating daily

kind words of strangers rest upon my ears and heart

and gently remedy the illness of insecurity

the real cure though coming from within

experiences wash over my psyche and bombard my senses

as the electricity of a touch, kiss, smile

send slight, surprising shocks down my spine

each cell crying out with relief

the future unknown,

the past abominable,

the present perfectly flawed

it is a new day, new year, new me………..

 

 

 

 

Gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation

Happy New Years! Well I expected and hoped that NYE would leave me optimistic and ready to take on the world but per usual someone tried to rain on my parade. To this person, guess what? I still had a great time because I made it that way! So in a way I will thank this person and the universe for giving me a chance to prove that this year will be whatever I make of it, no more depending on others for MY happiness! I remember me 😉

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CJlxp9UAUc

Now for the in-depth analysis…….

A good friend sent me this article the other day on gas lighting and how women are manipulated and perceived as being crazy for having emotional reactions to inconsiderate behaviour.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

I assume that he sent this to me because of recent experiences that I shared with him.  Without going into too much detail, I totally and completely agree with the author’s assertion.  I am an intense personality, I mean I am a redhead, it comes with the territory right? But I have also been called abnormally logical for a woman.  The second clause in that sentence is exactly what bothers me about men.  So because I am logical and a woman that is strange?  Seriously?

However, the same man who can compliment my ability to remove all emotion from a situation and handle confrontation rationally can then accuse me of “overreacting” and being “dramatic” when their poor behaviour is called into question.  The idea that both those aspects can truthfully coexist in one human being is a little far-fetched.  I am certainly not asserting that I have NEVER overreacted but it is not my norm.  I am considered to be a strong, independent and intelligent woman. I say that I am “considered” this but I believe it to be true as well or at least I do until a man tells me that I am not.  I am unsure as to what is worse, the fact that I allow myself to judge my entire personality because of what some dude says or the fact that men seem to want to control me with manipulation.  Either way, it is an unhealthy and undesirable cycle.  I find myself making the same excuses and exhibiting the same traits that are described in the article.  Telling someone that it is acceptable that you stood me up, or did not call, or were late, or took the cowardly way out when it is entirely NOT! And why? Because if I tell you what an ahole and how ill-mannered and disrespectful you were, I will be the “crazy” girl.  It is amazing, I spent years in a relationship with someone who manipulated me in this manner and now that I have been back in the dating pool, I have already witnessed it.  I am sorry but common decency and consideration are not too much to ask for and if you are going to try to convince me that they are, you will be met with resistance!

I can only imagine society without the understanding and forgiveness of women.  I also contemplate the legitimacy of the diva philosophy.  I had a friend once that told me I was way too nice and sweet.  She said that this was my problem. She on the other hand acted like a total diva to guys. If they did ONE thing that she did not like, she either totally iced them out or acted like a total bitch.  Unfortunately, this garnered the  opposite reaction that I would expect, they loved it.  They chased her down, begged for her attention, bought her gifts, took her to elaborate dinners and vacations.  They could not get enough and it was almost as if the meaner and more irrational she was, the harder they tried.  Up to this point, I have rejected this philosophy.  If I have to play games and act out of character then I do not want you.  But some men really do seem to respond to the challenge girls, which I appear to be at first.  After awhile though, they figure out that the tough and hardened exterior that I present is just that.  Once the facade is penetrated the goal has been accomplished and interest is lost.  And yet, I hear men endlessly complain about bitches, gold diggers, divas, and self-absorbed women. But when confronted with a good, sweet and caring chick that digs them, it is just too easy.  So the acting out commences and they start testing your resolve.  And when you have finally had enough of the BS and you express your frustration and disapproval, you are a psycho or melodramatic.

I am all for personal accountability and growth but the endless attempts at deflecting responsibility lead nowhere.  I am not crazy for expressing my dislike for something rude and inconsiderate.  It does not make me a drama queen that when I caught you being dishonest I told you that it was unacceptable.  Now if I threw my shoe at you and cursed you out or slashed your tires, maybe……. But merely stating my displeasure, no!

So here’s a thought, women stop criticizing yourselves for being expressive and dudes, if you did something that is not cool, admit it and move on!

Now then 2012, watch out because this girl is feeling empowered 😉

Unconditional Love, Possible?

At first glance anything can appear beautiful, further inspection reveals its flaws.

Shallow tendencies despise and reject this,

deeper understanding illuminates the true perfection in it.

So why do I feel like my flaws are judged so harshly?

I am intense.

I do feel deeply.

I care immensely.

Too much of a good thing can be overwhelming and send people running.

I long for real acceptance.

I yearn to hear that love can be unconditional.

Am I so hard to care for with all my passion and concern?

I have been told that these aspects make me unique and special,

but they seem more like curses when I am consistently met with resistance.

Has everyone forgotten what it means to emote?

Are we all so frightened by our feelings that when confronted with intense emotions our first response is to bail?

I recognize my flaws and want nothing more than to eradicate them but do they really make me so impossible to love?

“You move too fast.”

“You feel  too deeply.”

“You think too much.”

When did theses qualities become so negative?

It used to be that you had to lie, cheat, disrespect, not think before speaking, be too closed off.

Now openness and honesty are the exceptions, the abnormal.

What has happened to us?

Why is love so difficult for some?

Now the question becomes:

Stay true to myself or play the game in order to succeed?

But is that true success?

Is there someone who will accept me for who I am?

Or am I doomed to be caged by conventionalism forever?