I wish you would disappear
amongst the rubble of your hypocrisy
your words are meaningless
and wholly untrue
You float through this life
casting dispersions like gem stones
the man who knows something,
knows he knows nothing
your world is full of adventures and random people
but does anyone call you friend?
love is the only way
and you have lost the path
but it is not for me to judge your existence
only to take heed not to recreate
all that is you in myself
or someone else
the pain of loss has long since subsided
all that is left are trivial memories
that one day too shall dissipate
bubbles popping joyously
“You’re such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be.”
A damaged soul basking in the light of the full moon
An Indigo child waiting for the Aquarian Age
Will the chaos transform into awakened consciousness?
The sleeping numbers, eyes closed only to the truth
their inaction the gravest of their sins……
I feel the chill of winter
I feel the sting of misplaced hope
I long for the taste of peace
As the energies intensify so does my need for resolution
the end of the world is drawing near
and yet I am unafraid
my universe died some months ago,
my civilization burned to the ground
I flew upon her wings
The end of the world is nearing,
and I am unafraid.
Because I built a civilization on the ashes of another
Where there was rubble and destruction,
I became the architect of transformation.
Complex and contradictory,
I bask in the glow of the full moon,
and welcome everything to come.
Awakened, prepared and having already survived its’ end………………….
The most meaningful words can fall upon deaf ears
the heart’s truth gushing forth the blood of emotionalism
and yet its recipient lacks observation.
Yours was the guillotine that sliced through my optimism
Your words and actions, the tools of torture
Your judgement and apathy, weapons of mass destruction
Needle in hand, I will suture my heart
Pen in hand, I will sooth my soul
Guyan Mudra in hand, I will meditate through the conflict
Love has left a lasting impression
Its chalk outline never leaving
only fading in and out, sometimes brighter and more recent
other times, barely visible under the light of life experience………
whoever said it is better to have loved and lost,
never loved you.
As I sat in the Zen den last night playing guitar and listening to the invigorating sounds of rain drops pattering my tin roof, a familiar yet unwelcome wave of ambivalence pounded me. They say that there are 7 steps in the grieving process and acceptance being the final but I am either some alien anomaly or this process has no apodictic conclusion. This is to say that while I have come to accept the circumstances and the actions at their origin, I am still emotionally undulatory. I suppose what is really plaguing me is that several months ago, I conjured and delivered quite possibly the most venomous email ever, well for me anyway. I had finally reached my breaking point and I felt that not only were the feelings expressed honest but also necessary. Prior to this, throughout the saga I had remained the heroine. I was understanding, forgiving, loving, compassionate even sympathetic. All those around me found this most disturbing given the circuitous nature of the situation but I maintained that I would not lower myself to the level on which he was operating. Unfortunately, that email was the swift and certain end of that.
It is not that I did not mean every word of it, I did. How could I maintain loving someone who showed me such apathy and disrespect? I could not. I had to make a stand, or so I believed. I had to tell him that I never wanted to speak to him again, didn’t I? To say that my words were rooted in pride would be a fallacy, they were rooted in pain. In those moments of fingers racing irresponsibly across the keyboard, I recall the sensation of a blatant and brusque realization. Every action suddenly and ceremoniously slapped me in the face. All those 7 stages in one volcanic, apocalyptic explosion but unfortunately the only emotions conveyed were anger and hate. At first, I was highly satisfied with myself. I had taken back my power. I was no longer lending my heart to someone’s immature and erratic whims. I was taking a stand.
Then came the waves of shame. And now they are waves of regret. Ambivalence, the mother of all conundrums. And this is precisely the reason that I acted out of love for those first several months because that is who I am. My ex-fiance told me this morning when I confessed that I was having a delayed reaction to all of this that I am just not capable of not caring. He said that I never should have written all those things because I am not that person. that I will always care. I consistently struggle with whether or not that is a negative attribute. When does forgiving become tolerating? And when does tolerating become egregious? And when does that egregiousness become abuse?
Buddhism is founded on compassion and forgiveness but when is enough, enough? Is it ever ok to condemn someone for horrendous and hurtful actions? Or should we constantly forgive and forget? My intellect tells me that the actions of this man were unforgivable but my heart tells me that I will always love him and that I am better than the things that I said. I just wish I knew how to protect myself while also being the big-hearted person that apparently, I am. I used to imagine myself as a statue with cracks, perhaps one of those Greek goddesses missing an appendage or something. Beautiful and flawed. Now I realize that I am still a wobbly ball of clay striving to take form. I suppose there is freedom in that.
Maybe the real forgiving that is necessary is that of myself.
As the year comes to an end, I can not help but be relieved and excited for this has easily been the worst year of my life. For most that statement would seem or actually be hyperbolic but for me, it is an entirely accurate assessment. Other years have been difficult, often stressful with equestrian competitions, family health emergencies and work but the incidents were spread out over the course of the year and usually there was some semblance of resolution. This year, this bastard year has had back to back tragedies and there is no resolution in sight. Sure, I am emotionally healing from all the loss but it will never be completely gone. It is almost as if my heart is a bone that has a compound fracture, it will heal with some surgery and some pins and screws but the evidence will always be seen. A CSI-esque post mortem on me would have the investigators saying, “This woman had her heart-broken, as you can see on the X-ray, those prominent white lines represent the calcification. It is an old wound, she was most likely 30 years of age when it occurred.”
I guess I assumed that when you reach a certain age there are certain ways of doing things. When you get to be this wonderful age, you have the right to say things like, “What are we in high school?” But the sad part is that this amazing, magical age when wisdom and maturity take over and all of your actions are rooted in intelligence, logic and past experience, it does not exist. I am 3o and I have such a horrendous time of comprehending how at this age, people are still acting like children. And it is not just the 30 year olds, it is 4o years olds and some in their 50’s. Unfortunately, 2011 brought me to the realization that maturity and virtue are absolutely not proportionate to numerical age. I thought, based on past experience that when you break up with someone, you express the reasons and it is a one-on-one conversation. There is no peanut gallery casting dispersions, no overly dramatic scene just two people who cared for one another ending one relationship and hopefully salvaging another. My ex-fiance and I were together on and off for seven years and lived together for most of them. At the conclusion of our relationship, we expressed our deep love for each other but also knew that our relationship had transitioned into more of a friendship. He is now my dearest and closest friend. There was no yelling, screaming, name calling, no ugliness at all. I assumed this was possible with every relationship. I suppose my thought process is that if I thought highly enough of someone to live with them and even to contemplate marriage, why on earth would I not want them in my life? I have no idea why the general consensus is that ex’s can not and should not remain friends. Shouldn’t we all have the maturity and unconditional love for one another, that even if one type of relationship does not work, we are still open to another type? There will never be any resolution to this break up. William will never tell me why or say he is sorry. We will never be friends. I will never see one of my cats again. William will never see his glorious Siamese boys again. And I will never understand why everything had to transpire this way. This kills me. The fact that he is over in another country and keeps blogging pontifications about American life and the cultural differences and blah, blah, blah also kills me. No emotion, no regret, no guilt, no love, no friendship just BS. I guess that is who he is though. Bottom line: No resolution.
2011 also left me unemployed. I had a great job that I loved and I was let go not because I did not do my job or because I came in late too many times. No I was fired because my boss fell in love with me and we worked for his in-laws. I knew he was in love with me because he had told me numerous times. He sent me emails and poems, all expressing that I was his soul mate and he had never felt this way about anyone. I found all of this hard to believe since he was married and had been for ten years. At the time his wife was also pregnant. I tried to reassure him that he was just having these feelings because he was stressed about everything and needed an emotional distraction but he maintained that his feelings were real. I told William about all of this because I thought it was important to be honest, I had no idea this information would be revised and used against me later. I told my boss over and over again that I was in a committed relationship and that I was not going anywhere and that he and his wife should get counseling, which they did. But at some point, he was overwhelmed and decided to tell her that he was in love with another woman. From what I understand which is second-hand, he was honest with her and said that nothing had ever happened between us but that he was still in love with me. Apparently though, the fact that we had no physical contact whatsoever was of no relevance. The fact that I was not in love with him was of no relevance. 24 hours later, we were both fired. This also happened to occur the same weekend that William left. Yeah, real shitty weekend! And has my boss ever called to apologize for his lapse in judgment which cost me my job? No. Has he ever called the “love of his life” to see how I am doing? No. So again, no resolution.
I suppose the worst aspect of 2011 is that it has left me questioning everything. I was a solid Buddhist before all of this. I believed in astrology and the Aquarian Age shift, hell I was stoked about it. I believed that people were inherently good but that every now and they messed up. I believed that I was in a good relationship with a good guy. I believed that I was on my way to having a career in an industry that I loved. I believed that you get out what you put in. I believed that all my hard work was going to pay off. I believed that everything works out in the end.
So 2011, good riddance. I am so ready for this year to be over. 2012 Bring it on! End of the world? Whatever, my world already ended. Bring it on! This year WILL be better. This year will be what I make of it! This year I will not be naive. This year I will not let other people interfere with my goals and my standards for myself. This year I will not be caught off guard. This year is going to be about me and my quest to be the best version of myself possible. And I can not wait!
Now, that I have stated that I experienced a tragedy, I will explain what that means to me. I had been dating William for over three years. We had lived with each other for almost the same amount of time. We had an amazing apartment, three wonderful little cats and a seemingly challenging yet rewarding relationship. At some point I will get into the happenings of our relationship more in-depth but right now I want to focus on “the event” as I like to call it.
William’s friend was getting married in Philadelphia (where William is from) and there had been much discussion and controversy over him going to the wedding. Primarily because we did not have the financial means at the time for either one of us to go let alone both. His friend had offered to pay for his ticket, which was around $400 and I had expressed that I thought it was a bad idea to be taking money from someone who was in the process of getting married and was probably stretched too thin as it was. William had agreed with me but was obviously toiling over the idea of missing this occasion. So he turned to his parents who were always trying to get him to go back home for any and every occasion. They did not like him living in another state and this was very apparent over the course of the relationship. Per usual, his mother offered him the money as she had done many times if it involved him coming home. I appreciated the gesture but the fact that we were 30-year-old adults, I felt that it was time for us to stand on our own two feet and make decisions that were beneficial for our relationship. Without telling me anything, he accepted the money and bought the tickets. I did not find out about this until his sister messaged us on Facebook a month later. I was very displeased that he had gone behind my back and done this and did not even have the wherewithal to tell me himself. This lead to an argument but as the ticket was purchased there was nothing I could do so on we went…….
Two weeks before he was to leave, William became quite ill. He had an intermittent fever that lasted for three days. I, of course, took care of him diligently staying up all night for some days making sure his fever was coming down, making him tea , massaging his body and giving him medicine. He was finally better after about 5 days and a dr.’s visit. Well anyone knows in a couple that lives together if one of you gets sick, its only a matter of time. The following week, I became quite ill. I could not swallow, I had an enlarged tonsil, just felt terrible. I went to the dr. and sure enough I had an absessed tonsil and some sort of ulcer in the back of my throat, it was nasty! I asked William to stay and take care of me because I truly felt awful. The Thursday before he was to leave he told me that he would stay and that it was only fair given that I had taken care of him and that he would just call and apologize for missing the wedding but his partner needed him and he was going to be there. Friday morning before he went to work he tells me, “You will be fine, I will see you on Sunday night.” Obviously I was angry, he had just told me that he was staying and now all of a sudden I am going to see you on Sunday? Then he grabbed his backpack and off he went. I called him and called him, no answer. This was a common avoidance tactic he employed. So I called his school and finally got him. We had a long, challenging conversation and it ended with him expressing that he was afraid to make anyone angry and that is why he had undulated BUT that he was going to stay and I would see him in a couple of hours I had his WORD. Hours passed and I tried to call him, all I got was a text stating that he was boarding a plane, he was sorry and he was turning his phone off. His phone remained off all weekend despite messages from me that one of our cats was having an emergency. At this point, I lost it and I mean lost it. I was having panic attacks, I could not sleep or eat, I mean I was not in a good space but did he care even in the slightest? No. Sunday night rolled around and he still did not come home and I did not even hear from him. Now, I started to really panic. Was he ok? Did the plane land on time? I called the airlines and it had indeed landed on time. So where was he? I tried to get some sleep, thinking he had to show up at some point, I mean he had to go to work Monday morning, I was wrong about that too…… I went to get some food finally and when I was driving in to our apartments I passed him in the car, with his DAD, who must have flown down with him. I was shocked and had no idea what was about to transpire. Until I asked to speak with him and that is when all the real ugliness began…………