I awoke to the darkness of the morning moon
and my first thoughts were not of you
Beautiful apathetic amnesia
soothes my soul and has removed your heinous sore
Each day I grow stronger
Each day I am farther
Each day you fade away
In this suffering that is life
many options are apparent
but only one resides in truth and love
enlightenment originates in struggle
Each day I am learning
Each day I am creating
Each day I am released from your destruction
I rest my head tonight listening to the sound of stars
my body exhausted from training
my mind fatigued by inquiring
and my soul challenged by searching
Personal evolution is beginning to feel like a spiritual board game. I take several steps, sometimes leaps forward and inevitably there is backward motion as well. I suppose that it is necessary in order to continue moving forward while truly comprehending the path that has been taken. I began this blogging adventure as a means to process and heal from a terrible break up. To some, that was courageous and creative. To others it is”crazy” and misunderstood. For the latter, I wish that you could understand my motives. I want to have a voice. When another human being takes control of your life and makes a unilateral and highly destructive decision and actions are forced upon you, you are helpless. You are no longer an integral part of your own fate, you are plunged into the reality of reaction. My reactions have spanned the spectrum of human emotion but in the end, I have been pretty impressed with my progress and the way in which I maintained my personal integrity. But, I am human and I have my set backs, like today.
When it was first brought to my attention that Will was writing a blog and had been secretly for some time, I anxiously and fearfully read it. And there is nothing worse than learning about someone who you thought you knew through their writings. About the only thing that comes close to this sensation of removed enlightenment, is the falseness of their words. Upon discovering that he adores making himself seem like a deep, highly evolved, spiritual and altruistic person, I decided that I had read enough. I KNEW the truth, I had survived it. And thus I told myself with the encouragement of my friends, that I would not read it again. Honestly, nothing positive was going to come from it but unfortunately I have masochistic tendencies and every now and then my curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself typing those pathetic letters into google and making the same mistake that I promised myself I would not. And this is what I found today: http://williamsabia.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/not-so-fast/
Immediately enraged and disgusted, I came to the conclusion that the only person at fault for these overwhelming emotions, was me. I had let my curiosity overwhelm my logic. And it is disappointing when you realize that you are the one who is hurting yourself. I mean he is NOT going to change, he never was. So why do I even let it bother me? I have been asked the same question over and over again, why do I do this to myself? Well this morning, I finally figured it out. A dangerous combination of optimism and disbelief.
The optimism tempts me and the disbelief is constant. I suppose I hope that at some point there will be an apology or an epiphany, something. But it never comes. I am shockingly still amazed at his ability to learn every life lesson there is to learn except for the one he needs to learn. Self awareness is not something that you spew forth on a blog entry and create in order to garner the acceptance and praise of others. It is something that you work towards on a daily basis and my main reason for self-awareness is so that I do not hurt other people or myself with destructive, selfish behaviour. That is why when my blog is read, you see the flaws, you hear the doubt and you read the truth. When I talk about Buddha it is not some concept that I throw out because it sounds interesting and philosophical. I have been Buddhist for many years now and it is something that is dear to me so to have the one that hurt me so deeply quoting and paraphrasing beliefs, it is almost insulting. I want to scream, “HOW DARE YOU?!?”
How dare you act like you are a good person? How dare you not take responsibility for your actions? How dare you talk about love and loss? What did you lose? You ran half way around the world and YOU are talking about loss and pain! How dare you? I could go on forever with these but in the end this is not about him. The problem is me.
I write extremely personal and unadulterated things because it may save someone from making the same mistakes. Yeah I guess it is “crazy” to put such things out there in the vastness of the internet. I honestly wrote the majority of this yesterday and saved it because I was unsure if I wanted to post it. I began fearing what it would make me appear to be. I have been told by my sibling several times that this blog, well at least the personal aspect of it makes me look like a psycho girl and so I felt like maybe I should change the direction of it. Perhaps solely post my poetry or begin writing the treatment for my book but then I realized what a hypocrite I would be. Anyone can write and share the easy stuff. The anonymous things that can self promote, it is much more difficult to share your true nature and allow for the possibility of judgment. If people want to judge me for being hurt, then so be it. If people want to think that I am a “psycho” because I tell the truth and am unafraid of showing myself, again, so be it. I know who I am., perhaps for the first time in a very long time.
I am a human who has loved and lost. I am a woman who is nearing the completion of a very long and arduous process of growth. I am a Buddhist who is trying to remember the tenants of my beliefs. I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. Things are not always rainbows and sunshine but they are also not always gray and dark. This is what I have learned. I am learning to let go of the things that are painful and remain open to the beauty in life. I am learning to accept that the Universe is not going to give me what I want but rather what I need. I am learning what makes me strong and unique but also the traits that are less desirable and need to be addressed. But is this not the point of living? I choose to do this openly and I will continue to because I will not be that which I loathe. I will not only post things that make me look enlightened and interesting. I hope others will be comforted in that, it is ok to be wherever you are in your process and on your path. It is ok to have doubts and to question your actions and your emotions. It is ok to be who you are and to acknowledge your mistakes.
This year will be about this philosophy. I will be stronger than ever. I will make more forward progress. I will recognize my regressions, examine them and move on. I will continue to work diligently on strengthening my mind and body so that when I look back on this situation, I will know that I conquered it. It may have been painful and exhaustive. It may have even taken longer than I would have liked. But I will know that I can do anything and I did. I will also know that I am prepared for any circumstance and that should something of this nature creep its way back into my realm, I will have the skills necessary to move through it more gracefully and more constructively. I am finding power in my flaws because in the end, they will make me work to be the person that I want to be.
So there it is. If I am crazy then that is fine, I can conquer that too!
After a harrowing David Lynch is directing my life weekend, I required some much-needed R&R but to no avail. Over the course of the past six months I have experienced trauma, loss, joy, pain, understanding, growth, shock, awe and just generalized weirdness. Previously I was not a cynical person but I am beginning to comprehend how they are forged. People whom I cared for very deeply have behaved in ways that are unfathomable to me and I have been left questioning why and how in many circumstances. The lowest of the low and the highest of the high have all fallen during this journey. I have witnessed the human condition in its entirety and the conclusions are less than pleasant. What I am most displeased about is the disparities that exist in people and that there is no way to discover these without putting yourself in some kind of danger, emotionally anyway. And unfortunately this is consistent in all types of relationships. Friends have lashed out, family has shocked me and dating well, yikes let us not even go there. But every day I make a conscious effort to be appreciative for all the things that I do have. My amazing house, my glorious animals, my youth, my health, meditation, all the last remaining functioning brain cells and of course my dear dear friends. It is a pretty good list. So maybe all these issues that are weighing on me are just tethers to be cut so that I can liberate myself. I was told yesterday that I have a propensity to over think things. I am sure that it is an accurate assessment but why do I over think? Well, I thought about it a lot (insert laughter here) after it was said to me and I have found it is because I am so afraid to mess up. One wrong word, one questionable facial gesticulation, a misinterpreted tone and everything goes to hell. Apparently I am supposed to be some kind of enlightened Buddha, never allowing myself to feel or demonstrate anger and always knowing the right path to take. Yeah, that’s no pressure. I suppose what I am truly bothered by is what I think we are becoming. Evolution and growth seem to have taken a back seat to petty, self-indulgent drama.
Example #1: Facebook is evil or at least I am pretty sure that it is. Yes, I have heard all the pro FB arguments. It allows me to stay in touch with people and friends around the world. It has gotten me back in touch with old friends and so forth. But really, could you not just email them or hey perhaps even pick up a phone? I started a facebook account just for my ex and me so that his family could feel more included in our lives and it has caused me more grief than anything. The other day I actually had a “defriending” conversation. Really? We are defriending now? I am quite certain that if I do not wish to be someone’s friend, they will know about it in REAL life. This person thought that I had “defriended” him, duh duh duh dunnnnn. After the shock and disdain wore off and I assured him that I in fact had not done that and that I am also not the kind of person that does something like that, I got to thinking, is this really where we are as human beings now? Defriending people? It seems so juvenile much more like a school yard behaviour than a legitimate expression. I have never defriended anyone. I honestly do not see the point. I have not even defriended my ex’s family members. Sure some of them defriended me but that is on them, not me. And when they did that I was honestly hurt and offended. I allowed myself to become upset over being defriended, it is so pathetic. The energy that I could have used doing something creative or helpful perhaps even enlightening sucked away by life on Facebook. And it is even changing the way that we date, the way we perceive ourselves and how we interact when we are in each other’s presence. I was at a table the other night and everyone was so busy checking in and tagging people that conversation was literally non-existent for almost ten minutes! Is that healthy? Probably not.
Example #2: Everybody lies. My yoga teacher told me that he was going to write a book and call it Everybody Lies. It is actually going to be the first in a trilogy. The second book he wanted to name, Everybody Loves. We tried to come up with the last but unfortunately we could not come up with anything as humorous or witty as Everybody Lies. When he first told me about this endeavor, I scoffed at it because I believed it was a false statement. Surely, EVERYBODY does not lie, right? Wrong. I realized recently that he is right, everybody does lie in some way shape or form. Whether it is an insincere laugh or that compliment that is solely made in order to give a false sense of security, we all lie. If this is the case, do we ever have any truly honest exchanges? It is frightening to think that we are using our ability to express ourselves to manipulate and falsify rather than to gain higher knowledge and understanding of one another and our surroundings. I try to always be honest and to be tactful if I need to say something that someone does not want to hear but even I lie. I have smiled when I wanted to scream or said I was fine when I was not. Is lying a necessity or should we all give total honesty a shot and see what happens? Wish I had all the answers.
I love life and I love being here and having all my senses. I just wish we could get back to a time when things were simpler, if there ever was a time like that. I hope that we will find ways to encourage real communication, evolve ourselves beyond petty belief systems and seek the truth rather than what we want to believe.