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Am I Crazy?

Personal evolution is beginning to feel like a spiritual board game.  I take several steps, sometimes leaps forward and inevitably there is backward motion as well.  I suppose that it is necessary in order to continue moving forward while truly comprehending the path that has been taken.  I began this blogging adventure as a means to process and heal from a terrible break up.  To some, that was courageous and creative. To others it is”crazy” and misunderstood. For the latter, I wish that you could  understand my motives.  I want to have a voice.  When another human being takes control of your life and makes a unilateral and highly destructive decision and actions are forced upon you, you are helpless.  You are no longer an integral part of your own fate, you are plunged into the reality of reaction.  My reactions have spanned the spectrum of human emotion but in the end, I have been pretty impressed with my progress and the way in which I maintained my personal integrity.  But, I am human and I have my set backs, like today.

When it was first brought to my attention that Will was writing a blog and had been secretly for some time, I anxiously and fearfully read it. And there is nothing worse than learning about someone who you thought you knew through their writings.  About the only thing that comes close to this sensation of removed enlightenment, is the falseness of their words.  Upon discovering that he adores making himself seem like a deep, highly evolved, spiritual and altruistic person, I decided that I had read enough.  I KNEW the truth, I had survived it.  And thus I told myself with the encouragement of my friends, that I would not read it again.  Honestly, nothing positive was going to come from it but unfortunately I have masochistic tendencies and every now and then my curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself typing those pathetic letters into google and making the same mistake that I promised myself I would not.  And this is what I found today: http://williamsabia.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/not-so-fast/

Immediately enraged and disgusted, I came to the conclusion that the only person at fault for these overwhelming emotions, was me.  I had let my curiosity overwhelm my logic.  And it is disappointing when you realize that you are the one who is hurting yourself.  I mean he is NOT going to change, he never was.  So why do I even let it bother me?  I have been asked the same question over and over again, why do I do this to myself?  Well this morning, I finally figured it out.  A dangerous combination of optimism and disbelief.

The optimism tempts me and the disbelief is constant.  I suppose I hope that at some point there will be an apology or an epiphany, something. But it never comes.  I am shockingly still amazed at his ability to learn every life lesson there is to learn except for the one he needs to learn.  Self awareness is not something that you spew forth on a blog entry and create in order to garner the acceptance and praise of others.  It is something that you work towards on a daily basis and my main reason for self-awareness is so that I do not hurt other people or myself with destructive, selfish behaviour.  That is why when my blog is read, you see the flaws, you hear the doubt and you read the truth.  When I talk about Buddha it is not some concept that I throw out because it sounds interesting and philosophical. I have been Buddhist for many years now and it is something that is dear to me so to have the one that hurt me so deeply quoting and paraphrasing beliefs, it is almost insulting.  I want to scream, “HOW DARE YOU?!?”

How dare you act like you are a good person? How dare you not take responsibility for your actions? How dare you talk about love and loss? What did you lose? You ran half way around the world and YOU are talking about loss and pain! How dare you?  I could go on forever with these but in the end this is not about him. The problem is me.

I write extremely personal and unadulterated things because it may save someone from making the same mistakes.  Yeah I guess it is “crazy” to put such things out there in the vastness of the internet.  I honestly wrote the majority of this yesterday and saved it because I was unsure if I wanted to post it.  I began fearing what it would make me appear to be.  I have been told by my sibling several times that this blog, well at least the personal aspect of it makes me look like a psycho girl and so I felt like maybe I should change the direction of it.  Perhaps solely post my poetry or begin writing the treatment for my book but then I realized what a hypocrite I would be.  Anyone can write and share the easy stuff.  The anonymous things that can self promote, it is much more difficult to share your true nature and allow for the possibility of judgment.  If people want to judge me for being hurt, then so be it.  If people want to think that I am a “psycho” because I tell the truth and am unafraid of showing myself, again, so be it.  I know who I am., perhaps for the first time in a very long time.

I am a human who has loved and lost.  I am a woman who is nearing the completion of a very long and arduous process of growth.  I am a Buddhist who is trying to remember the tenants of my beliefs.  I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. Things are not always rainbows and sunshine but they are also not always gray and dark.  This is what I have learned.  I am learning to let go of the things that are painful and remain open to the beauty in life.  I am learning to accept that the Universe is not going to give me what I want but rather what I need.  I am learning what makes me strong and unique but also the traits that are less desirable and need to be addressed.  But is this not the point of living?  I choose to do this openly and I will continue to because I will not be that which I loathe.  I will not only post things that make me look enlightened and interesting.  I hope others will be comforted in that, it is ok to be wherever you are in your process and on your path.  It is ok to have doubts and to question your actions and your emotions.  It is ok to be who you are and to acknowledge your mistakes.

This year will be about this philosophy.  I will be stronger than ever.  I will make more forward progress.  I will recognize my regressions, examine them and move on.  I will continue to work diligently on strengthening my mind and body so that when I look back on this situation, I will know that I conquered it. It may have been painful and exhaustive.  It may have even taken longer than I would have liked. But I will know that I can do anything and I did.  I will also know that I am prepared for any circumstance and that should something of this nature creep its way back into my realm, I will have the skills necessary to move through it more gracefully and more constructively.  I am finding power in my flaws because in the end, they will make me work to be the person that I want to be.

So there it is. If I am crazy then that is fine, I can conquer that too!

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2011: Good Riddance!

As the year comes to an end, I can not help but be relieved and excited for this has easily been the worst year of my life. For most that statement would seem or actually be hyperbolic but for me, it is an entirely accurate assessment.  Other years have been difficult, often stressful with equestrian competitions, family health emergencies and work but the incidents were spread out over the course of the year and usually there was some semblance of resolution.  This year, this bastard year has had back to back tragedies and there is no resolution in sight.  Sure, I am emotionally healing from all the loss but it will never be completely gone.  It is almost as if my heart is a bone that has a compound fracture, it will heal with some surgery and some pins and screws but the evidence will always be seen.  A CSI-esque post mortem on me would have the investigators saying, “This woman had her heart-broken, as you can see on the X-ray, those prominent white lines represent the calcification.  It is an old wound, she was most likely 30 years of age when it occurred.”

I guess I assumed that when you reach a certain age there are certain ways of doing things.  When you get to be this wonderful age, you have the right to say things like, “What are we in high school?” But the sad part is that this amazing, magical age when wisdom and maturity take over and all of your actions are rooted in intelligence, logic and past experience, it does not exist.  I am 3o and I have such a horrendous time of comprehending how at this age, people are still acting like children.  And it is not just the 30 year olds, it is 4o years olds and some in their 50’s. Unfortunately, 2011 brought me to the realization that maturity and virtue are absolutely not proportionate to numerical age. I thought, based on past experience that when you break up with someone, you express the reasons and it is a one-on-one conversation.  There is no peanut gallery casting dispersions, no overly dramatic scene just two people who cared for one another ending one relationship and hopefully salvaging another.  My ex-fiance and I were together on and off for seven years and lived together for most of them.  At the conclusion of our relationship, we expressed our deep love for each other but also knew that our relationship had transitioned into more of a friendship.  He is now my dearest and closest friend.  There was no yelling, screaming, name calling, no ugliness at all.  I assumed this was possible with every relationship.  I suppose my thought process is that if I thought highly enough of someone to live with them and even to contemplate marriage, why on earth would I not want them in my life? I have no idea why the general consensus is that ex’s can not and should not remain friends.  Shouldn’t we all have the maturity and unconditional love for one another, that even if one type of relationship does not work, we are still open to another type?  There will never be any resolution to this break up.  William will never tell me why or say he is sorry.  We will never be friends.  I will never see one of my cats again.  William will never see his glorious Siamese boys again.  And I will never understand why everything had to transpire this way.  This kills me.  The fact that he is over in another country and keeps blogging pontifications about American life and the cultural differences and blah, blah, blah also kills me.  No emotion, no regret, no guilt, no love, no friendship just BS.  I guess that is who he is though.  Bottom line: No resolution.

2011 also left me unemployed.  I had a great job that I loved and I was let go not because I did not do my job or because I came in late too many times. No I was fired because my boss fell in love with me and we worked for his in-laws. I knew he was in love with me because he had told me numerous times.  He sent me emails and poems, all expressing that I was his soul mate and he had never felt this way about anyone.  I found all of this hard to believe since he was married and had been for ten years.  At the time his wife was also pregnant.  I tried to reassure him that he was just having these feelings because he was stressed about everything and needed an emotional distraction but he maintained that his feelings were real.  I told William about all of this because I thought it was important to be honest, I had no idea this information would be revised and used against me later.  I told my boss over and over again that I was in a committed relationship and that I was not going anywhere and that he and his wife should get counseling, which they did.  But at some point, he was overwhelmed and decided to tell her that he was in love with another woman.  From what I understand which is second-hand, he was honest with her and said that nothing had ever happened between us but that he was still in love with me.  Apparently though, the fact that we had no physical contact whatsoever was of no relevance.  The fact that I was not in love with him was of no relevance. 24 hours later, we were both fired. This also happened to occur the same weekend that William left.  Yeah, real shitty weekend! And has my boss ever called to apologize for his lapse in judgment which cost me my job? No.  Has he ever called the “love of  his life” to see how I am doing? No.  So again, no resolution.

I suppose the worst aspect of 2011 is that it has left me questioning everything.  I was a solid Buddhist before all of this.  I believed in astrology and the Aquarian Age shift, hell I was stoked about it.  I believed that people were inherently good but that every now and they messed up.  I believed that I was in a good relationship with a good guy.  I believed that I was on my way to having a career in an industry that I loved.  I believed that you get out what you put in.  I believed that all my hard work was going to pay off.  I believed that everything works out in the end.

So 2011, good riddance.  I am so ready for this year to be over. 2012 Bring it on! End of the world? Whatever, my world already ended. Bring it on!  This year WILL be better.  This year will be what I make of it! This year I will not be naive.  This year I will not let other people interfere with my goals and my standards for myself.  This year I will not be caught off guard.  This year is going to be about me and my quest to be the best version of myself possible.  And I can not wait!