The dust of chaos settles upon an uncertain foundation
bewildering situations encourage evolution
the ubiquitous amethyst haze slowly dissipating daily
kind words of strangers rest upon my ears and heart
and gently remedy the illness of insecurity
the real cure though coming from within
experiences wash over my psyche and bombard my senses
as the electricity of a touch, kiss, smile
send slight, surprising shocks down my spine
each cell crying out with relief
the future unknown,
the past abominable,
the present perfectly flawed
it is a new day, new year, new me………..
After a harrowing David Lynch is directing my life weekend, I required some much-needed R&R but to no avail. Over the course of the past six months I have experienced trauma, loss, joy, pain, understanding, growth, shock, awe and just generalized weirdness. Previously I was not a cynical person but I am beginning to comprehend how they are forged. People whom I cared for very deeply have behaved in ways that are unfathomable to me and I have been left questioning why and how in many circumstances. The lowest of the low and the highest of the high have all fallen during this journey. I have witnessed the human condition in its entirety and the conclusions are less than pleasant. What I am most displeased about is the disparities that exist in people and that there is no way to discover these without putting yourself in some kind of danger, emotionally anyway. And unfortunately this is consistent in all types of relationships. Friends have lashed out, family has shocked me and dating well, yikes let us not even go there. But every day I make a conscious effort to be appreciative for all the things that I do have. My amazing house, my glorious animals, my youth, my health, meditation, all the last remaining functioning brain cells and of course my dear dear friends. It is a pretty good list. So maybe all these issues that are weighing on me are just tethers to be cut so that I can liberate myself. I was told yesterday that I have a propensity to over think things. I am sure that it is an accurate assessment but why do I over think? Well, I thought about it a lot (insert laughter here) after it was said to me and I have found it is because I am so afraid to mess up. One wrong word, one questionable facial gesticulation, a misinterpreted tone and everything goes to hell. Apparently I am supposed to be some kind of enlightened Buddha, never allowing myself to feel or demonstrate anger and always knowing the right path to take. Yeah, that’s no pressure. I suppose what I am truly bothered by is what I think we are becoming. Evolution and growth seem to have taken a back seat to petty, self-indulgent drama.
Example #1: Facebook is evil or at least I am pretty sure that it is. Yes, I have heard all the pro FB arguments. It allows me to stay in touch with people and friends around the world. It has gotten me back in touch with old friends and so forth. But really, could you not just email them or hey perhaps even pick up a phone? I started a facebook account just for my ex and me so that his family could feel more included in our lives and it has caused me more grief than anything. The other day I actually had a “defriending” conversation. Really? We are defriending now? I am quite certain that if I do not wish to be someone’s friend, they will know about it in REAL life. This person thought that I had “defriended” him, duh duh duh dunnnnn. After the shock and disdain wore off and I assured him that I in fact had not done that and that I am also not the kind of person that does something like that, I got to thinking, is this really where we are as human beings now? Defriending people? It seems so juvenile much more like a school yard behaviour than a legitimate expression. I have never defriended anyone. I honestly do not see the point. I have not even defriended my ex’s family members. Sure some of them defriended me but that is on them, not me. And when they did that I was honestly hurt and offended. I allowed myself to become upset over being defriended, it is so pathetic. The energy that I could have used doing something creative or helpful perhaps even enlightening sucked away by life on Facebook. And it is even changing the way that we date, the way we perceive ourselves and how we interact when we are in each other’s presence. I was at a table the other night and everyone was so busy checking in and tagging people that conversation was literally non-existent for almost ten minutes! Is that healthy? Probably not.
Example #2: Everybody lies. My yoga teacher told me that he was going to write a book and call it Everybody Lies. It is actually going to be the first in a trilogy. The second book he wanted to name, Everybody Loves. We tried to come up with the last but unfortunately we could not come up with anything as humorous or witty as Everybody Lies. When he first told me about this endeavor, I scoffed at it because I believed it was a false statement. Surely, EVERYBODY does not lie, right? Wrong. I realized recently that he is right, everybody does lie in some way shape or form. Whether it is an insincere laugh or that compliment that is solely made in order to give a false sense of security, we all lie. If this is the case, do we ever have any truly honest exchanges? It is frightening to think that we are using our ability to express ourselves to manipulate and falsify rather than to gain higher knowledge and understanding of one another and our surroundings. I try to always be honest and to be tactful if I need to say something that someone does not want to hear but even I lie. I have smiled when I wanted to scream or said I was fine when I was not. Is lying a necessity or should we all give total honesty a shot and see what happens? Wish I had all the answers.
I love life and I love being here and having all my senses. I just wish we could get back to a time when things were simpler, if there ever was a time like that. I hope that we will find ways to encourage real communication, evolve ourselves beyond petty belief systems and seek the truth rather than what we want to believe.