After a harrowing David Lynch is directing my life weekend, I required some much-needed R&R but to no avail. Over the course of the past six months I have experienced trauma, loss, joy, pain, understanding, growth, shock, awe and just generalized weirdness. Previously I was not a cynical person but I am beginning to comprehend how they are forged. People whom I cared for very deeply have behaved in ways that are unfathomable to me and I have been left questioning why and how in many circumstances. The lowest of the low and the highest of the high have all fallen during this journey. I have witnessed the human condition in its entirety and the conclusions are less than pleasant. What I am most displeased about is the disparities that exist in people and that there is no way to discover these without putting yourself in some kind of danger, emotionally anyway. And unfortunately this is consistent in all types of relationships. Friends have lashed out, family has shocked me and dating well, yikes let us not even go there. But every day I make a conscious effort to be appreciative for all the things that I do have. My amazing house, my glorious animals, my youth, my health, meditation, all the last remaining functioning brain cells and of course my dear dear friends. It is a pretty good list. So maybe all these issues that are weighing on me are just tethers to be cut so that I can liberate myself. I was told yesterday that I have a propensity to over think things. I am sure that it is an accurate assessment but why do I over think? Well, I thought about it a lot (insert laughter here) after it was said to me and I have found it is because I am so afraid to mess up. One wrong word, one questionable facial gesticulation, a misinterpreted tone and everything goes to hell. Apparently I am supposed to be some kind of enlightened Buddha, never allowing myself to feel or demonstrate anger and always knowing the right path to take. Yeah, that’s no pressure. I suppose what I am truly bothered by is what I think we are becoming. Evolution and growth seem to have taken a back seat to petty, self-indulgent drama.
Example #1: Facebook is evil or at least I am pretty sure that it is. Yes, I have heard all the pro FB arguments. It allows me to stay in touch with people and friends around the world. It has gotten me back in touch with old friends and so forth. But really, could you not just email them or hey perhaps even pick up a phone? I started a facebook account just for my ex and me so that his family could feel more included in our lives and it has caused me more grief than anything. The other day I actually had a “defriending” conversation. Really? We are defriending now? I am quite certain that if I do not wish to be someone’s friend, they will know about it in REAL life. This person thought that I had “defriended” him, duh duh duh dunnnnn. After the shock and disdain wore off and I assured him that I in fact had not done that and that I am also not the kind of person that does something like that, I got to thinking, is this really where we are as human beings now? Defriending people? It seems so juvenile much more like a school yard behaviour than a legitimate expression. I have never defriended anyone. I honestly do not see the point. I have not even defriended my ex’s family members. Sure some of them defriended me but that is on them, not me. And when they did that I was honestly hurt and offended. I allowed myself to become upset over being defriended, it is so pathetic. The energy that I could have used doing something creative or helpful perhaps even enlightening sucked away by life on Facebook. And it is even changing the way that we date, the way we perceive ourselves and how we interact when we are in each other’s presence. I was at a table the other night and everyone was so busy checking in and tagging people that conversation was literally non-existent for almost ten minutes! Is that healthy? Probably not.
Example #2: Everybody lies. My yoga teacher told me that he was going to write a book and call it Everybody Lies. It is actually going to be the first in a trilogy. The second book he wanted to name, Everybody Loves. We tried to come up with the last but unfortunately we could not come up with anything as humorous or witty as Everybody Lies. When he first told me about this endeavor, I scoffed at it because I believed it was a false statement. Surely, EVERYBODY does not lie, right? Wrong. I realized recently that he is right, everybody does lie in some way shape or form. Whether it is an insincere laugh or that compliment that is solely made in order to give a false sense of security, we all lie. If this is the case, do we ever have any truly honest exchanges? It is frightening to think that we are using our ability to express ourselves to manipulate and falsify rather than to gain higher knowledge and understanding of one another and our surroundings. I try to always be honest and to be tactful if I need to say something that someone does not want to hear but even I lie. I have smiled when I wanted to scream or said I was fine when I was not. Is lying a necessity or should we all give total honesty a shot and see what happens? Wish I had all the answers.
I love life and I love being here and having all my senses. I just wish we could get back to a time when things were simpler, if there ever was a time like that. I hope that we will find ways to encourage real communication, evolve ourselves beyond petty belief systems and seek the truth rather than what we want to believe.
Recently I realized that something that I have been joking around about could possibly be the answer to all of our dating problems: Rate your Date. The idea is simple in concept but will most likely be much more complicated to put into practical application. It would be a website database of anyone and everyone in the dating scene in your area. I mean we have film reviews, restaurant reviews, business reviews so why not dating reviews? How many of us have started dating someone thinking that the person was genuine, sweet, caring, had a good job and so forth only to find out that they are a master of manipulation. In our present technological state we have given these individuals every tool that they need to appear as if they are everything that they are not. Faceboook is the perfect self-indulgent promotional tool and who has control over the content? The user. I am ready to turn the tables on this situation and create a little room for the truth. I have checked out the sites that exist that are related to this idea and I have found them lacking.
I would have a much more in-depth review system. I believe that they are several categories that should be considered. And this would be just as relevant to relationships as well. I wish I had read a review of my ex before getting involved with him, I’m quite sure at this point that it would not have been flattering. But back to the categories, I think it is important to consider all the realms in which there are usually complications: Family, Money, Goals, Kids, Marriage, Manners, Appearances, Personality, Mental Health, and Fidelity. I do not know about anyone else but I have been fooled on all of these fronts. A guy that I met at a bar or party was decked out in Armani and Diesel, flash forward to getting back to his place and the realization that he spends ALL of his money on clothes just to hook you. Or even better, I was dating an artist that drew and was a musician. We fell into each other rather quickly spending all of our time together, the passion was overwhelming and then he disappeared for a week. Confused and a little angry, I kept wondering what I had done until I ran into his brother. “He is bi-polar and does not take his meds, didn’t you know that?” Um, NO! All situations in which it would have been really helpful to know more about the person I was dealing with before it negatively effected me. I know it sounds too sterile and as if getting to know people is a waste of time but again in an age when it is so easy to assign yourself a character rather than being your truest self, perhaps helpful.
My friend used to joke about how we should all wear signs. For instance my sign would read: Athletic, Smart, Sassy, Intense, Masochistic tendencies, A little emotionally high maintenance, too many guy friends, extremely loyal, generous, vain, and perfectionist. Now does that describe me in all of my complexity? No. But it does gives someone a better idea of what they would be dealing with and that is more fair than if I acted as if none of those negative qualities existed. Dating just seems as if it as become way too easy to waste a bunch of time trying to get to know someone when you are not really getting to know them but the person that they want you to believe that they are. Before I knew it I was in a long-term relationship with a person that I still did not know and I thought that it was impossible to spend that much time together and still not be prepared for what happened. I would still be curious though as to how he would review me. I am sure that he would agree with the aforementioned list and I am also sure that he would add to it but I would be curious as to what he would have to say. Most likely because my review of him would be less than gracious. On many levels, he was interesting and exciting, there is no denying that and if a girl just wanted someone to play with and had no expectations whatsoever, he is perfect but for anyone seeking a deep, meaningful, committed relationship, he is their worst nightmare.
I suppose that I am just tired of spending time with people and giving them the benefit of the doubt when I should be more scrutinizing. I always feel badly for being judgemental but maybe there is something to it. Maybe dating should transition into a more employment like scenario. Fill out an application including relationship history and references. I would like to know what the ex’s think or why you really have not been in a relationship in a gazillion years. Are you really the wounded creature you act like or just a perpetual bachelor playing the jaded card to evoke my sympathy? You sure are not going to tell me the truth so maybe all the other victims will.
Main point being, we are so careful to ensure that we do not waste our time seeing a bad movie, a bad band, eat something horrifying, read a lame book, buy a glitchy gadget but when it comes to our hearts why are we so willing to put it on the chopping block and just cross our fingers?
Reviewing people: Time Management Savior or the beginning of the end for civilized dating behaviour? Tell me what you think! All I know is that I am done with all the womanizers and unfortunately, they are the most highly adaptive of all the dating predators.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBk3_lAiq4w love this remix!
All of us have been in some sort of relationship scenario in which we were left brokenhearted. Someone abandoned us, someone cheated on us, someone misrepresented themselves and so forth. What I have begun to observe and question is how we respond to these circumstances. Having recently survived several of the aforementioned scenarios, I have noticed the many mechanisms that we employ to protect ourselves from experiencing the same pain and heartache time and time again. While I subscribe to the philosophy that making the same mistake over and over is the truest form of stupidity, I also question how far to the other end of the spectrum is just as ridiculous. Is being jaded our protective friend or another means of self sabotage?
For my part, I have certainly noticed that my level of trust for other human beings as a whole and especially in interpersonal relationships has dwindled dramatically. I now have the propensity to believe that compliments are tools of manipulation rather than sincere expressions. I also seem to have a difficult time meeting someone and not automatically thinking that they are like my ex and I should be cautious. But am I seeing legitimate red flags or the ghosts of relationships past? I think that is a difficult question that people such as myself that are newly single struggle with frequently. But after many conversations with others and merely observing other people’s reactions to situations, I am starting to think that whether it is a fresh wound or a scarred over injury, we are still allowing our pasts to interfere with our present. Do we honestly believe that being cynical and pessimistic is the only way to abolish any chance of reliving past mistakes and suffering?
I have tried to my detriment in some ways, to remain open and loving regardless of what has happened in my love life. I made a conscious effort to check the baggage and enter into new relationships unencumbered but after this break up, I suddenly feel like the American Airlines lost luggage department. Where did all this stuff come from and what the hell do I do with it? As I peruse all the forgotten and ignored emotions of abandonment, I have come to realize that even I have become weighed down and a little bitter. I have misplaced my ability to believe that some things are just good. There is no evil lurking in the corner, no hidden agenda meandering in the hallway, just something new and good and worth my understanding. I am now faced with an opportunity that could be simply that, good. So why am I more comfortable second guessing and assuming than allowing myself to give it the benefit of the doubt? It is an easy answer, I am jaded and that sucks! I suppose that along the way, I bought into the idea that being overly apprehensive and assuming the worst in people is safer than putting myself out there and taking the chance that I feel this way again. I am starting to find though that when I am internalizing all these negative assumptions that I am missing out on any genuine happiness that may be present.
The other complexity is that even if I get over my own relationship related neuroses, they is always someone else’s to deal with. But it can not be fair for me to judge someone for their difficulty in trusting when I am in the same place but it also makes the situation much harder to navigate. Suddenly you have two seemingly good and loving individuals complicating a connection for no other reason than at some point they were respectively scorned by someone else. It is hard enough getting to know someone as it is but when you exacerbate the issue with preconceived notions it becomes almost impossible. So I have been left contemplating if there is a middle to this pendulum. I want to learn the lessons that are necessary for my growth and emotional protection while remaining true to my real self. I am not bitter, resentful, pessimistic and jaded. Or at least I was not before. I do not think that any of our origins are rooted in these aspects, so how do we get back and stay sane and intelligent about it? I would hate to see anyone sabotage a perfectly lovely opportunity, especially me. I think that the answer is, knowing that we have all been hurt but that not every relationship has an inevitably destructive end. And also knowing when to calm down, take a step back and allow ourselves to be happy instead of over analyzing every detail to death. I hope that I will find the best way to follow my heart and my mind and that combined they will lead me to the right person and the right relationship. Until then, I know it is important to ease up on the assumption that every guy is him or like him because hopefully and it is a big hope, they are not.