Category Archives: Uncategorized

Love on the run

A bright shining light

Moth to a flame

I died to feel your desire

Intense and brilliant,

you drew me in.

 

My wings burning,

I drew ever closer

wanting your love

I believed your treacherous words.

 

I fell through the hour glass

grain by grain,

disintegrating with every insult

my soul lost unto the addiction.

 

You took solace in the drugs,

I felt the pain of reality

tears fell easily

with every pill swallowed.

 

Yours is the need to escape the loneliness

while it is all I have

because while the escape is yours

sadly it is all I have.

 

Abandonment is your only foe

and yet it is your gift to all those

that love you so deeply.

 

Tonight, I bleed

drops of true love,

but you are encapsulated

by milligrams of denial. 

Angelos Petra

Awaking to the absence of bliss

For you have departed this red room

Leaving only the sensation of light

And a cool dessert lingering

You vacationed in my essence

A chance to feel that which you have lost

I would give it all to you

But now what do we do?

You are riding waves of ambivalency

Bound by conventionality

And shackled by common perceptions

Both my inherent enemies

I only ruled by heart and mind

Am left waiting for your Queen’s Gambit

Will you follow what you sense is true?

And commence the necessary coup

I can liberate you from the pain of indecision

To walk amongst my appreciation

I too have seen an angel in the stone

And will carve until I free him

In this present is now simply past

Memories of the lushness of the river

And the chartreuse in your eyes

Gleaming off the optimism in mine

Anticipation of velvety kisses,

Ubiquitous in every exchange

Laughter interspersed with longing looks

I know this path well

I chance my destruction

For the opportunity of intense connection.

Hey Y’all

To all of you amazing folks who follow this blog, I have started another one and would love to have you following that one as well. Please feel free to check it out……it is called Love Is The Only Way. Thanks to everyone that has followed, commented and just been awesome! 😉 You guys ROCK!

http://loveistheonlyway.wordpress.com/

The Angels within

I was suddenly awakened by a clamoring in my living room, I heard several voices in deep discussion, the subject eluded me though. I leaned across the bed and grabbed my mobile to check the time, 4:30am.  A sudden panic rushed over me. Who were these people and why were they in my house at 4:30 in the morning? I quickly slid the black case from underneath my night stand and opened it to reveal my personal protection, a Springfield 45. I was totally unsure as to what I was about to do, adrenaline had flooded my synapses. I had to do something. With no forethought, I opened the door from the hallway that lead into the living room, holding the jet black weapon in hand as if I was on a military raid.  The scene was far more shocking than I could have imagined.

Women. Women were everywhere  They were mostly older looking women.  They had dispersed themselves throughout the house but were mostly socializing in my kitchen and den. As I glanced around, I noticed that they all had the same look on their faces. They appeared both severe yet supportive. As I walked into the crowd, one women gently pushed my arms down and away from harm. She said,”Oh honey, you will not be needing that.” The sincerity with which she spoke immediately put me at ease and yet the oddness of everything remained.  I asked,”Who are you and why are you here?” Suddenly all conversation ceased and all the women looked at me. I felt a wave of embarrassment as if I was being scolded for talking in the library.  She grasped my hand and looked at me very lovingly as if I was her grandchild and replied,”We are here for you, my child.”

The women now surrounded me in somewhat circular fashion. Normally. this would be alarming but again I felt as if they were there to take care of me. Another women walked through the den and into the living room where I was standing.  She looked very familiar but I could not place her.  She walked straight towards me and asked,” Do you know who I am?” I said,”Sorry I do not, but you look so familiar.” She embraced me quickly and said,”I took the form of someone you know so that you would feel more comfortable.” Although her intention was to comfort me, this statement left me frightened and confused. My eyes surveyed my surroundings again and I looked at the woman and again asked,”Who are you?”

Before the woman could answer, I realized that there was something not right about the scene in the den. Something was afoot and so I slowly walked toward it, the women all stepping back out-of-the-way as I reached them. And there it was, the reason for which the women were there and the source of all my anxiety. It was me.  I was laying on a beautiful assortment of fabric, my eyes were closed and I was not moving.  There were women kneeling all around me and whispering almost in prayer. A hand touched my arm and it was the woman I had been talking to before. She said to me,”We are your guides and we are here to help you.” Despite the supportive tone and energy of the room, I began to fall apart. Help me what? I could only assume I was dying and they were there to help me with the transition. But I did not want to die, I was not ready to die. My God, I was only 30 years old! I grabbed the women by her both arms and vigorously pleaded,”No, I am not ready. What is wrong with me? Why am I dying?”

Everything that was said next seemed to seep into my subconscious more so through osmosis than actual conversation. I gleaned that I was dying from cancer but that it was a cancer of the soul rather than the body. That over the course of my life, all the traumatic experiences had caused parts of me to mutate and surrender to death rather than thirst for life. I was dying from a lack of will. I watched myself for a moment on the colorful pallet where they had placed me. My chest was barely rising and falling and with each breath becoming weaker. I turned to the woman again and told her that I did not want to die. The supportive aspect of her face changed to the severity I had noticed earlier and she said to me,”Then this is your chance. And it is your last one. You must choose to live and really live. We will only help you if you understand that. We know what you have been through and we are sorry for that but you can not give up, if you do this is what will happen.” I nodded that I understood and we embraced and even though it was just an embrace between the two of us, i felt as if every woman in that room was holding me.

I had this dream last night around 4:30 in the morning on the night of a full moon…………………………Now I must try to make good on my chance.

 

The IT Crowd, one woman’s opinion ;)

The IT Crowd……facts and stats http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_IT_Crowd

I could write several paragraphs about this silly and eccentric British comedy but everything I would need to say is more concisely expressed in a single quote from one of my favorite characters, Douglas Reynholm. “Brilliant. Thank you, Computer Man. I’m told my father was particularly proud of the IT department, run by a dynamic go-getter, a genius, and a man from Ireland.” These three are so oddly matched but through their mutual ignorance of social graces and propensity for misadventures they cultivate long-lasting and wacky friendships.

Jen Barber (Dynamic Go-Getter) The strangely appealing “Relationships Manager” who is thrust into the actual position of Manager of the IT department of the billion dollar company, Reynholm Industries. With her red hair, fair skin, silly, sweet, patient, and dorky demeanor she is the den mother of the nerds.  A typical innocently ironic quote from Jen,”I love this. I feel so social.” In reference to the IT department’s recent foray into the world of social media via, Friendface.  She said this as all three sat in their basement room, all on their respective computers communicating through instant messaging in lieu of speaking.

Moss (Genius)- The outwardly stereotypical nerd aside from his noticeable height and well-built frame.  He is of mixed ethnicity giving him an exotic yet attractive dorkish quality.  He is the obvious winner in the intelligence department but his intellect is solely academic in that he lacks total common sense.   He is kind to his fellow IT mates and even goes so far as to pretend to be Jen’s amazingly accomplished and complimentary husband in one episode when she desires to impress old friends that she has reconnected with on Friendface.  “Hey if I’m pretending to be married. I’m pretending to be sexually active. Don’t worry Jen, I plan on earning these 10 pounds.” His nerdishness though is sometimes over-shadowed by the presence of a self-assured butt-kicking intellectual. “I came here to drink milk and kick ass and I’ve just finished my milk.”

Roy (Man from Ireland)- This tall, goofy Irish man has sexy nerd attractiveness.  He is the fashionable, snarky, sarcastic one of the bunch who sports ironic T-shirts reminiscent of Judah Friedlander character’s hats from 30 Rock.  They range anywhere from “meh.” to “Filthy Panda” to my personal favorite “OMFG.” He is always full of off the wall theories and a total lack of tact and couth which make him all the more hilarious. “Oh, Jen….Don’t be such an old fuddy duddy! The world has changed! If two grown men can’t make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about Zombies than maybe we should all just move to Iran.” His ridiculousness is only eclipsed by his pseudo-womanizing but he is a nerd on a mission…..for the ladies.

Douglas Reynholm (Idiot Savante)- This egocentric, eccentric sexual-harassser is the son of Denholm Reynholm, billionaire owner of Reynhom Industries.  He doesn’t really join the cast until the later seasons but once he does, he becomes the origin of the best random one-liners to date as well as the owner of the most questionable fashion decisions on the show.  His outfits are symbolic of his excess of money and his terrible taste.  At one point his propensity for sexual harassment causes him to be punished by wearing pants programmed to shock him upon even the slightest of impure thoughts. which leads him to exclaim,”Goddamn this electric sex pants!”

I would definitely rate this as an amazing show. It is consistently funny, the character development is great and the writing is innovative and cheeky……………… so check it out on Netflix!

 

Creation from Destruction

A damaged soul basking in the light of the full moon

An Indigo child waiting for the Aquarian Age

Will the chaos transform into awakened consciousness?

The sleeping numbers, eyes closed only to the truth

their inaction the gravest of their sins……

I feel the chill of winter

I feel the sting of misplaced hope

I long for the taste of peace

As the energies intensify so does my need for resolution

the end of the world is drawing near

and yet I am unafraid

my universe died some months ago,

my civilization burned to the ground

But I have seen the Phoenix,

I flew upon her wings

The end of the world is nearing,

and I am unafraid.

Because I built a civilization on the ashes of another

Where there was rubble and destruction,

I became the architect of transformation.

Complex and contradictory,

I bask in the glow of the full moon,

and welcome everything to come.

Awakened, prepared and having already survived its’ end………………….

Am I Crazy?

Personal evolution is beginning to feel like a spiritual board game.  I take several steps, sometimes leaps forward and inevitably there is backward motion as well.  I suppose that it is necessary in order to continue moving forward while truly comprehending the path that has been taken.  I began this blogging adventure as a means to process and heal from a terrible break up.  To some, that was courageous and creative. To others it is”crazy” and misunderstood. For the latter, I wish that you could  understand my motives.  I want to have a voice.  When another human being takes control of your life and makes a unilateral and highly destructive decision and actions are forced upon you, you are helpless.  You are no longer an integral part of your own fate, you are plunged into the reality of reaction.  My reactions have spanned the spectrum of human emotion but in the end, I have been pretty impressed with my progress and the way in which I maintained my personal integrity.  But, I am human and I have my set backs, like today.

When it was first brought to my attention that Will was writing a blog and had been secretly for some time, I anxiously and fearfully read it. And there is nothing worse than learning about someone who you thought you knew through their writings.  About the only thing that comes close to this sensation of removed enlightenment, is the falseness of their words.  Upon discovering that he adores making himself seem like a deep, highly evolved, spiritual and altruistic person, I decided that I had read enough.  I KNEW the truth, I had survived it.  And thus I told myself with the encouragement of my friends, that I would not read it again.  Honestly, nothing positive was going to come from it but unfortunately I have masochistic tendencies and every now and then my curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself typing those pathetic letters into google and making the same mistake that I promised myself I would not.  And this is what I found today: http://williamsabia.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/not-so-fast/

Immediately enraged and disgusted, I came to the conclusion that the only person at fault for these overwhelming emotions, was me.  I had let my curiosity overwhelm my logic.  And it is disappointing when you realize that you are the one who is hurting yourself.  I mean he is NOT going to change, he never was.  So why do I even let it bother me?  I have been asked the same question over and over again, why do I do this to myself?  Well this morning, I finally figured it out.  A dangerous combination of optimism and disbelief.

The optimism tempts me and the disbelief is constant.  I suppose I hope that at some point there will be an apology or an epiphany, something. But it never comes.  I am shockingly still amazed at his ability to learn every life lesson there is to learn except for the one he needs to learn.  Self awareness is not something that you spew forth on a blog entry and create in order to garner the acceptance and praise of others.  It is something that you work towards on a daily basis and my main reason for self-awareness is so that I do not hurt other people or myself with destructive, selfish behaviour.  That is why when my blog is read, you see the flaws, you hear the doubt and you read the truth.  When I talk about Buddha it is not some concept that I throw out because it sounds interesting and philosophical. I have been Buddhist for many years now and it is something that is dear to me so to have the one that hurt me so deeply quoting and paraphrasing beliefs, it is almost insulting.  I want to scream, “HOW DARE YOU?!?”

How dare you act like you are a good person? How dare you not take responsibility for your actions? How dare you talk about love and loss? What did you lose? You ran half way around the world and YOU are talking about loss and pain! How dare you?  I could go on forever with these but in the end this is not about him. The problem is me.

I write extremely personal and unadulterated things because it may save someone from making the same mistakes.  Yeah I guess it is “crazy” to put such things out there in the vastness of the internet.  I honestly wrote the majority of this yesterday and saved it because I was unsure if I wanted to post it.  I began fearing what it would make me appear to be.  I have been told by my sibling several times that this blog, well at least the personal aspect of it makes me look like a psycho girl and so I felt like maybe I should change the direction of it.  Perhaps solely post my poetry or begin writing the treatment for my book but then I realized what a hypocrite I would be.  Anyone can write and share the easy stuff.  The anonymous things that can self promote, it is much more difficult to share your true nature and allow for the possibility of judgment.  If people want to judge me for being hurt, then so be it.  If people want to think that I am a “psycho” because I tell the truth and am unafraid of showing myself, again, so be it.  I know who I am., perhaps for the first time in a very long time.

I am a human who has loved and lost.  I am a woman who is nearing the completion of a very long and arduous process of growth.  I am a Buddhist who is trying to remember the tenants of my beliefs.  I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. Things are not always rainbows and sunshine but they are also not always gray and dark.  This is what I have learned.  I am learning to let go of the things that are painful and remain open to the beauty in life.  I am learning to accept that the Universe is not going to give me what I want but rather what I need.  I am learning what makes me strong and unique but also the traits that are less desirable and need to be addressed.  But is this not the point of living?  I choose to do this openly and I will continue to because I will not be that which I loathe.  I will not only post things that make me look enlightened and interesting.  I hope others will be comforted in that, it is ok to be wherever you are in your process and on your path.  It is ok to have doubts and to question your actions and your emotions.  It is ok to be who you are and to acknowledge your mistakes.

This year will be about this philosophy.  I will be stronger than ever.  I will make more forward progress.  I will recognize my regressions, examine them and move on.  I will continue to work diligently on strengthening my mind and body so that when I look back on this situation, I will know that I conquered it. It may have been painful and exhaustive.  It may have even taken longer than I would have liked. But I will know that I can do anything and I did.  I will also know that I am prepared for any circumstance and that should something of this nature creep its way back into my realm, I will have the skills necessary to move through it more gracefully and more constructively.  I am finding power in my flaws because in the end, they will make me work to be the person that I want to be.

So there it is. If I am crazy then that is fine, I can conquer that too!

Gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation

Happy New Years! Well I expected and hoped that NYE would leave me optimistic and ready to take on the world but per usual someone tried to rain on my parade. To this person, guess what? I still had a great time because I made it that way! So in a way I will thank this person and the universe for giving me a chance to prove that this year will be whatever I make of it, no more depending on others for MY happiness! I remember me 😉

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CJlxp9UAUc

Now for the in-depth analysis…….

A good friend sent me this article the other day on gas lighting and how women are manipulated and perceived as being crazy for having emotional reactions to inconsiderate behaviour.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

I assume that he sent this to me because of recent experiences that I shared with him.  Without going into too much detail, I totally and completely agree with the author’s assertion.  I am an intense personality, I mean I am a redhead, it comes with the territory right? But I have also been called abnormally logical for a woman.  The second clause in that sentence is exactly what bothers me about men.  So because I am logical and a woman that is strange?  Seriously?

However, the same man who can compliment my ability to remove all emotion from a situation and handle confrontation rationally can then accuse me of “overreacting” and being “dramatic” when their poor behaviour is called into question.  The idea that both those aspects can truthfully coexist in one human being is a little far-fetched.  I am certainly not asserting that I have NEVER overreacted but it is not my norm.  I am considered to be a strong, independent and intelligent woman. I say that I am “considered” this but I believe it to be true as well or at least I do until a man tells me that I am not.  I am unsure as to what is worse, the fact that I allow myself to judge my entire personality because of what some dude says or the fact that men seem to want to control me with manipulation.  Either way, it is an unhealthy and undesirable cycle.  I find myself making the same excuses and exhibiting the same traits that are described in the article.  Telling someone that it is acceptable that you stood me up, or did not call, or were late, or took the cowardly way out when it is entirely NOT! And why? Because if I tell you what an ahole and how ill-mannered and disrespectful you were, I will be the “crazy” girl.  It is amazing, I spent years in a relationship with someone who manipulated me in this manner and now that I have been back in the dating pool, I have already witnessed it.  I am sorry but common decency and consideration are not too much to ask for and if you are going to try to convince me that they are, you will be met with resistance!

I can only imagine society without the understanding and forgiveness of women.  I also contemplate the legitimacy of the diva philosophy.  I had a friend once that told me I was way too nice and sweet.  She said that this was my problem. She on the other hand acted like a total diva to guys. If they did ONE thing that she did not like, she either totally iced them out or acted like a total bitch.  Unfortunately, this garnered the  opposite reaction that I would expect, they loved it.  They chased her down, begged for her attention, bought her gifts, took her to elaborate dinners and vacations.  They could not get enough and it was almost as if the meaner and more irrational she was, the harder they tried.  Up to this point, I have rejected this philosophy.  If I have to play games and act out of character then I do not want you.  But some men really do seem to respond to the challenge girls, which I appear to be at first.  After awhile though, they figure out that the tough and hardened exterior that I present is just that.  Once the facade is penetrated the goal has been accomplished and interest is lost.  And yet, I hear men endlessly complain about bitches, gold diggers, divas, and self-absorbed women. But when confronted with a good, sweet and caring chick that digs them, it is just too easy.  So the acting out commences and they start testing your resolve.  And when you have finally had enough of the BS and you express your frustration and disapproval, you are a psycho or melodramatic.

I am all for personal accountability and growth but the endless attempts at deflecting responsibility lead nowhere.  I am not crazy for expressing my dislike for something rude and inconsiderate.  It does not make me a drama queen that when I caught you being dishonest I told you that it was unacceptable.  Now if I threw my shoe at you and cursed you out or slashed your tires, maybe……. But merely stating my displeasure, no!

So here’s a thought, women stop criticizing yourselves for being expressive and dudes, if you did something that is not cool, admit it and move on!

Now then 2012, watch out because this girl is feeling empowered 😉

Unconditional Love, Possible?

At first glance anything can appear beautiful, further inspection reveals its flaws.

Shallow tendencies despise and reject this,

deeper understanding illuminates the true perfection in it.

So why do I feel like my flaws are judged so harshly?

I am intense.

I do feel deeply.

I care immensely.

Too much of a good thing can be overwhelming and send people running.

I long for real acceptance.

I yearn to hear that love can be unconditional.

Am I so hard to care for with all my passion and concern?

I have been told that these aspects make me unique and special,

but they seem more like curses when I am consistently met with resistance.

Has everyone forgotten what it means to emote?

Are we all so frightened by our feelings that when confronted with intense emotions our first response is to bail?

I recognize my flaws and want nothing more than to eradicate them but do they really make me so impossible to love?

“You move too fast.”

“You feel  too deeply.”

“You think too much.”

When did theses qualities become so negative?

It used to be that you had to lie, cheat, disrespect, not think before speaking, be too closed off.

Now openness and honesty are the exceptions, the abnormal.

What has happened to us?

Why is love so difficult for some?

Now the question becomes:

Stay true to myself or play the game in order to succeed?

But is that true success?

Is there someone who will accept me for who I am?

Or am I doomed to be caged by conventionalism forever?

Ok Universe, I surrender!

After a harrowing David Lynch is directing my life weekend, I required some much-needed R&R but to no avail.  Over the course of the past six months I have experienced trauma, loss, joy, pain, understanding, growth, shock, awe and just generalized weirdness.  Previously I was not a cynical person but I am beginning to comprehend how they are forged.  People whom I cared for very deeply have behaved in ways that are unfathomable to me and I have been left questioning why and how in many circumstances.  The lowest of the low and the highest of the high have all fallen during this journey.  I have witnessed the human condition in its entirety and the conclusions are less than pleasant.  What I am most displeased about is the disparities that exist in people and that there is no way to discover these without putting yourself in some kind of danger, emotionally anyway.  And unfortunately this is consistent in all types of relationships.  Friends have lashed out, family has shocked me and dating well, yikes let us not even go there. But every day I make a conscious effort to be appreciative for all the things that I do have.  My amazing house, my glorious animals, my youth, my health, meditation, all the last remaining functioning brain cells and of course my dear dear friends. It is a pretty good list.  So maybe all these issues that are weighing on me are just tethers to be cut so that I can liberate myself.  I was told yesterday that I have a propensity to over think things.  I am sure that it is an accurate assessment but why do I over think? Well, I thought about it a lot (insert laughter here)  after it was said to me and I have found it is because I am so afraid to mess up.  One wrong word, one questionable facial gesticulation, a misinterpreted tone and everything goes to hell. Apparently I am supposed to be some kind of enlightened Buddha, never allowing myself to feel or demonstrate anger and always knowing the right path to take.  Yeah, that’s no pressure.  I suppose what I am truly bothered by is what I think we are becoming.  Evolution and growth seem to have taken a back seat to petty, self-indulgent drama.

Example #1: Facebook is evil or at least I am pretty sure that it is.  Yes, I have heard all the pro FB arguments. It allows me to stay in touch with people and friends around the world. It has gotten me back in touch with old friends and so forth. But really, could you not just email them or hey perhaps even pick up a phone?  I started a facebook account just for my ex and me so that his family could feel more included in our lives and it has caused me more grief than anything.  The other day I actually had a “defriending” conversation. Really?  We are defriending now?  I am quite certain that if I do not wish to be someone’s friend, they will know about it in REAL life.  This person thought that I had “defriended” him, duh duh duh dunnnnn.  After the shock and disdain wore off and I assured him that I in fact had not done that and that I am also not the kind of person that does something like that, I got to thinking, is this really where we are as human beings now? Defriending people? It seems so juvenile much more like a school yard behaviour than a legitimate expression.  I have never defriended anyone.  I honestly do not see the point.  I have not even defriended my ex’s family members.  Sure some of them defriended me but that is on them, not me.  And when they did that I was honestly hurt and offended.  I allowed myself to become upset over being defriended, it is so pathetic.  The energy that I could have used doing something creative or helpful perhaps even enlightening sucked away by life on Facebook.  And it is even changing the way that we date, the way we perceive ourselves and how we interact when we are in each other’s presence.  I was at a table the other night and everyone was so busy checking in and tagging people that conversation was literally non-existent for almost ten minutes! Is that healthy? Probably not.

Example #2: Everybody lies.  My yoga teacher told me that he was going to write a book and call it Everybody Lies.  It is actually going to be the first in a trilogy.  The second book he wanted to name, Everybody Loves.  We tried to come up with the last but unfortunately we could not come up with anything as humorous or witty as Everybody Lies.  When he first told me about this endeavor, I scoffed at it because I believed it was a false statement.  Surely, EVERYBODY does not lie, right? Wrong.  I realized recently that he is right, everybody does lie in some way shape or form.  Whether it is an insincere laugh or that compliment that is solely made in order to give a false sense of security, we all lie.  If this is the case, do we ever have any truly honest exchanges?  It is frightening to think that we are using our ability to express ourselves to manipulate and falsify rather than to gain higher knowledge and understanding of one another and our surroundings.  I try to always be honest and to be tactful if I need to say something that someone does not want to hear but even I lie.  I have smiled when I wanted to scream or said I was fine when I was not.  Is lying a necessity or should we all give total honesty a shot and see what happens? Wish I had all the answers.

I love life and I love being here and having all my senses. I just wish we could get back to a time when things were simpler, if there ever was a time like that. I hope that we will find ways to encourage real communication, evolve ourselves beyond petty belief systems and seek the truth rather than what we want to believe.