Category Archives: relationships
Personal evolution is beginning to feel like a spiritual board game. I take several steps, sometimes leaps forward and inevitably there is backward motion as well. I suppose that it is necessary in order to continue moving forward while truly comprehending the path that has been taken. I began this blogging adventure as a means to process and heal from a terrible break up. To some, that was courageous and creative. To others it is”crazy” and misunderstood. For the latter, I wish that you could understand my motives. I want to have a voice. When another human being takes control of your life and makes a unilateral and highly destructive decision and actions are forced upon you, you are helpless. You are no longer an integral part of your own fate, you are plunged into the reality of reaction. My reactions have spanned the spectrum of human emotion but in the end, I have been pretty impressed with my progress and the way in which I maintained my personal integrity. But, I am human and I have my set backs, like today.
When it was first brought to my attention that Will was writing a blog and had been secretly for some time, I anxiously and fearfully read it. And there is nothing worse than learning about someone who you thought you knew through their writings. About the only thing that comes close to this sensation of removed enlightenment, is the falseness of their words. Upon discovering that he adores making himself seem like a deep, highly evolved, spiritual and altruistic person, I decided that I had read enough. I KNEW the truth, I had survived it. And thus I told myself with the encouragement of my friends, that I would not read it again. Honestly, nothing positive was going to come from it but unfortunately I have masochistic tendencies and every now and then my curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself typing those pathetic letters into google and making the same mistake that I promised myself I would not. And this is what I found today: http://williamsabia.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/not-so-fast/
Immediately enraged and disgusted, I came to the conclusion that the only person at fault for these overwhelming emotions, was me. I had let my curiosity overwhelm my logic. And it is disappointing when you realize that you are the one who is hurting yourself. I mean he is NOT going to change, he never was. So why do I even let it bother me? I have been asked the same question over and over again, why do I do this to myself? Well this morning, I finally figured it out. A dangerous combination of optimism and disbelief.
The optimism tempts me and the disbelief is constant. I suppose I hope that at some point there will be an apology or an epiphany, something. But it never comes. I am shockingly still amazed at his ability to learn every life lesson there is to learn except for the one he needs to learn. Self awareness is not something that you spew forth on a blog entry and create in order to garner the acceptance and praise of others. It is something that you work towards on a daily basis and my main reason for self-awareness is so that I do not hurt other people or myself with destructive, selfish behaviour. That is why when my blog is read, you see the flaws, you hear the doubt and you read the truth. When I talk about Buddha it is not some concept that I throw out because it sounds interesting and philosophical. I have been Buddhist for many years now and it is something that is dear to me so to have the one that hurt me so deeply quoting and paraphrasing beliefs, it is almost insulting. I want to scream, “HOW DARE YOU?!?”
How dare you act like you are a good person? How dare you not take responsibility for your actions? How dare you talk about love and loss? What did you lose? You ran half way around the world and YOU are talking about loss and pain! How dare you? I could go on forever with these but in the end this is not about him. The problem is me.
I write extremely personal and unadulterated things because it may save someone from making the same mistakes. Yeah I guess it is “crazy” to put such things out there in the vastness of the internet. I honestly wrote the majority of this yesterday and saved it because I was unsure if I wanted to post it. I began fearing what it would make me appear to be. I have been told by my sibling several times that this blog, well at least the personal aspect of it makes me look like a psycho girl and so I felt like maybe I should change the direction of it. Perhaps solely post my poetry or begin writing the treatment for my book but then I realized what a hypocrite I would be. Anyone can write and share the easy stuff. The anonymous things that can self promote, it is much more difficult to share your true nature and allow for the possibility of judgment. If people want to judge me for being hurt, then so be it. If people want to think that I am a “psycho” because I tell the truth and am unafraid of showing myself, again, so be it. I know who I am., perhaps for the first time in a very long time.
I am a human who has loved and lost. I am a woman who is nearing the completion of a very long and arduous process of growth. I am a Buddhist who is trying to remember the tenants of my beliefs. I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. Things are not always rainbows and sunshine but they are also not always gray and dark. This is what I have learned. I am learning to let go of the things that are painful and remain open to the beauty in life. I am learning to accept that the Universe is not going to give me what I want but rather what I need. I am learning what makes me strong and unique but also the traits that are less desirable and need to be addressed. But is this not the point of living? I choose to do this openly and I will continue to because I will not be that which I loathe. I will not only post things that make me look enlightened and interesting. I hope others will be comforted in that, it is ok to be wherever you are in your process and on your path. It is ok to have doubts and to question your actions and your emotions. It is ok to be who you are and to acknowledge your mistakes.
This year will be about this philosophy. I will be stronger than ever. I will make more forward progress. I will recognize my regressions, examine them and move on. I will continue to work diligently on strengthening my mind and body so that when I look back on this situation, I will know that I conquered it. It may have been painful and exhaustive. It may have even taken longer than I would have liked. But I will know that I can do anything and I did. I will also know that I am prepared for any circumstance and that should something of this nature creep its way back into my realm, I will have the skills necessary to move through it more gracefully and more constructively. I am finding power in my flaws because in the end, they will make me work to be the person that I want to be.
So there it is. If I am crazy then that is fine, I can conquer that too!
The dust of chaos settles upon an uncertain foundation
bewildering situations encourage evolution
the ubiquitous amethyst haze slowly dissipating daily
kind words of strangers rest upon my ears and heart
and gently remedy the illness of insecurity
the real cure though coming from within
experiences wash over my psyche and bombard my senses
as the electricity of a touch, kiss, smile
send slight, surprising shocks down my spine
each cell crying out with relief
the future unknown,
the past abominable,
the present perfectly flawed
it is a new day, new year, new me………..
Happy New Years! Well I expected and hoped that NYE would leave me optimistic and ready to take on the world but per usual someone tried to rain on my parade. To this person, guess what? I still had a great time because I made it that way! So in a way I will thank this person and the universe for giving me a chance to prove that this year will be whatever I make of it, no more depending on others for MY happiness! I remember me 😉
Now for the in-depth analysis…….
A good friend sent me this article the other day on gas lighting and how women are manipulated and perceived as being crazy for having emotional reactions to inconsiderate behaviour.
I assume that he sent this to me because of recent experiences that I shared with him. Without going into too much detail, I totally and completely agree with the author’s assertion. I am an intense personality, I mean I am a redhead, it comes with the territory right? But I have also been called abnormally logical for a woman. The second clause in that sentence is exactly what bothers me about men. So because I am logical and a woman that is strange? Seriously?
However, the same man who can compliment my ability to remove all emotion from a situation and handle confrontation rationally can then accuse me of “overreacting” and being “dramatic” when their poor behaviour is called into question. The idea that both those aspects can truthfully coexist in one human being is a little far-fetched. I am certainly not asserting that I have NEVER overreacted but it is not my norm. I am considered to be a strong, independent and intelligent woman. I say that I am “considered” this but I believe it to be true as well or at least I do until a man tells me that I am not. I am unsure as to what is worse, the fact that I allow myself to judge my entire personality because of what some dude says or the fact that men seem to want to control me with manipulation. Either way, it is an unhealthy and undesirable cycle. I find myself making the same excuses and exhibiting the same traits that are described in the article. Telling someone that it is acceptable that you stood me up, or did not call, or were late, or took the cowardly way out when it is entirely NOT! And why? Because if I tell you what an ahole and how ill-mannered and disrespectful you were, I will be the “crazy” girl. It is amazing, I spent years in a relationship with someone who manipulated me in this manner and now that I have been back in the dating pool, I have already witnessed it. I am sorry but common decency and consideration are not too much to ask for and if you are going to try to convince me that they are, you will be met with resistance!
I can only imagine society without the understanding and forgiveness of women. I also contemplate the legitimacy of the diva philosophy. I had a friend once that told me I was way too nice and sweet. She said that this was my problem. She on the other hand acted like a total diva to guys. If they did ONE thing that she did not like, she either totally iced them out or acted like a total bitch. Unfortunately, this garnered the opposite reaction that I would expect, they loved it. They chased her down, begged for her attention, bought her gifts, took her to elaborate dinners and vacations. They could not get enough and it was almost as if the meaner and more irrational she was, the harder they tried. Up to this point, I have rejected this philosophy. If I have to play games and act out of character then I do not want you. But some men really do seem to respond to the challenge girls, which I appear to be at first. After awhile though, they figure out that the tough and hardened exterior that I present is just that. Once the facade is penetrated the goal has been accomplished and interest is lost. And yet, I hear men endlessly complain about bitches, gold diggers, divas, and self-absorbed women. But when confronted with a good, sweet and caring chick that digs them, it is just too easy. So the acting out commences and they start testing your resolve. And when you have finally had enough of the BS and you express your frustration and disapproval, you are a psycho or melodramatic.
I am all for personal accountability and growth but the endless attempts at deflecting responsibility lead nowhere. I am not crazy for expressing my dislike for something rude and inconsiderate. It does not make me a drama queen that when I caught you being dishonest I told you that it was unacceptable. Now if I threw my shoe at you and cursed you out or slashed your tires, maybe……. But merely stating my displeasure, no!
So here’s a thought, women stop criticizing yourselves for being expressive and dudes, if you did something that is not cool, admit it and move on!
Now then 2012, watch out because this girl is feeling empowered 😉
At first glance anything can appear beautiful, further inspection reveals its flaws.
Shallow tendencies despise and reject this,
deeper understanding illuminates the true perfection in it.
So why do I feel like my flaws are judged so harshly?
I am intense.
I do feel deeply.
I care immensely.
Too much of a good thing can be overwhelming and send people running.
I long for real acceptance.
I yearn to hear that love can be unconditional.
Am I so hard to care for with all my passion and concern?
I have been told that these aspects make me unique and special,
but they seem more like curses when I am consistently met with resistance.
Has everyone forgotten what it means to emote?
Are we all so frightened by our feelings that when confronted with intense emotions our first response is to bail?
I recognize my flaws and want nothing more than to eradicate them but do they really make me so impossible to love?
“You move too fast.”
“You feel too deeply.”
“You think too much.”
When did theses qualities become so negative?
It used to be that you had to lie, cheat, disrespect, not think before speaking, be too closed off.
Now openness and honesty are the exceptions, the abnormal.
What has happened to us?
Why is love so difficult for some?
Now the question becomes:
Stay true to myself or play the game in order to succeed?
But is that true success?
Is there someone who will accept me for who I am?
Or am I doomed to be caged by conventionalism forever?
The pale rose-colored sky gently warms my essence,
much like my heart,
the pinks first innocent and unassuming
transition into passionate fuchsias
and end in lilac love.
Love’s door slammed shut
And you opened my window
You shone a light into my darkest corner
A welcome reprieve from all the pain
Your smile comforts me
Your touch calms me
You warmth reminds me
Of all the possibilities
You are that which I have sought
My only hope to satisfy you
My appreciation grows daily
As I sat in the Zen den last night playing guitar and listening to the invigorating sounds of rain drops pattering my tin roof, a familiar yet unwelcome wave of ambivalence pounded me. They say that there are 7 steps in the grieving process and acceptance being the final but I am either some alien anomaly or this process has no apodictic conclusion. This is to say that while I have come to accept the circumstances and the actions at their origin, I am still emotionally undulatory. I suppose what is really plaguing me is that several months ago, I conjured and delivered quite possibly the most venomous email ever, well for me anyway. I had finally reached my breaking point and I felt that not only were the feelings expressed honest but also necessary. Prior to this, throughout the saga I had remained the heroine. I was understanding, forgiving, loving, compassionate even sympathetic. All those around me found this most disturbing given the circuitous nature of the situation but I maintained that I would not lower myself to the level on which he was operating. Unfortunately, that email was the swift and certain end of that.
It is not that I did not mean every word of it, I did. How could I maintain loving someone who showed me such apathy and disrespect? I could not. I had to make a stand, or so I believed. I had to tell him that I never wanted to speak to him again, didn’t I? To say that my words were rooted in pride would be a fallacy, they were rooted in pain. In those moments of fingers racing irresponsibly across the keyboard, I recall the sensation of a blatant and brusque realization. Every action suddenly and ceremoniously slapped me in the face. All those 7 stages in one volcanic, apocalyptic explosion but unfortunately the only emotions conveyed were anger and hate. At first, I was highly satisfied with myself. I had taken back my power. I was no longer lending my heart to someone’s immature and erratic whims. I was taking a stand.
Then came the waves of shame. And now they are waves of regret. Ambivalence, the mother of all conundrums. And this is precisely the reason that I acted out of love for those first several months because that is who I am. My ex-fiance told me this morning when I confessed that I was having a delayed reaction to all of this that I am just not capable of not caring. He said that I never should have written all those things because I am not that person. that I will always care. I consistently struggle with whether or not that is a negative attribute. When does forgiving become tolerating? And when does tolerating become egregious? And when does that egregiousness become abuse?
Buddhism is founded on compassion and forgiveness but when is enough, enough? Is it ever ok to condemn someone for horrendous and hurtful actions? Or should we constantly forgive and forget? My intellect tells me that the actions of this man were unforgivable but my heart tells me that I will always love him and that I am better than the things that I said. I just wish I knew how to protect myself while also being the big-hearted person that apparently, I am. I used to imagine myself as a statue with cracks, perhaps one of those Greek goddesses missing an appendage or something. Beautiful and flawed. Now I realize that I am still a wobbly ball of clay striving to take form. I suppose there is freedom in that.
Maybe the real forgiving that is necessary is that of myself.
As the year comes to an end, I can not help but be relieved and excited for this has easily been the worst year of my life. For most that statement would seem or actually be hyperbolic but for me, it is an entirely accurate assessment. Other years have been difficult, often stressful with equestrian competitions, family health emergencies and work but the incidents were spread out over the course of the year and usually there was some semblance of resolution. This year, this bastard year has had back to back tragedies and there is no resolution in sight. Sure, I am emotionally healing from all the loss but it will never be completely gone. It is almost as if my heart is a bone that has a compound fracture, it will heal with some surgery and some pins and screws but the evidence will always be seen. A CSI-esque post mortem on me would have the investigators saying, “This woman had her heart-broken, as you can see on the X-ray, those prominent white lines represent the calcification. It is an old wound, she was most likely 30 years of age when it occurred.”
I guess I assumed that when you reach a certain age there are certain ways of doing things. When you get to be this wonderful age, you have the right to say things like, “What are we in high school?” But the sad part is that this amazing, magical age when wisdom and maturity take over and all of your actions are rooted in intelligence, logic and past experience, it does not exist. I am 3o and I have such a horrendous time of comprehending how at this age, people are still acting like children. And it is not just the 30 year olds, it is 4o years olds and some in their 50’s. Unfortunately, 2011 brought me to the realization that maturity and virtue are absolutely not proportionate to numerical age. I thought, based on past experience that when you break up with someone, you express the reasons and it is a one-on-one conversation. There is no peanut gallery casting dispersions, no overly dramatic scene just two people who cared for one another ending one relationship and hopefully salvaging another. My ex-fiance and I were together on and off for seven years and lived together for most of them. At the conclusion of our relationship, we expressed our deep love for each other but also knew that our relationship had transitioned into more of a friendship. He is now my dearest and closest friend. There was no yelling, screaming, name calling, no ugliness at all. I assumed this was possible with every relationship. I suppose my thought process is that if I thought highly enough of someone to live with them and even to contemplate marriage, why on earth would I not want them in my life? I have no idea why the general consensus is that ex’s can not and should not remain friends. Shouldn’t we all have the maturity and unconditional love for one another, that even if one type of relationship does not work, we are still open to another type? There will never be any resolution to this break up. William will never tell me why or say he is sorry. We will never be friends. I will never see one of my cats again. William will never see his glorious Siamese boys again. And I will never understand why everything had to transpire this way. This kills me. The fact that he is over in another country and keeps blogging pontifications about American life and the cultural differences and blah, blah, blah also kills me. No emotion, no regret, no guilt, no love, no friendship just BS. I guess that is who he is though. Bottom line: No resolution.
2011 also left me unemployed. I had a great job that I loved and I was let go not because I did not do my job or because I came in late too many times. No I was fired because my boss fell in love with me and we worked for his in-laws. I knew he was in love with me because he had told me numerous times. He sent me emails and poems, all expressing that I was his soul mate and he had never felt this way about anyone. I found all of this hard to believe since he was married and had been for ten years. At the time his wife was also pregnant. I tried to reassure him that he was just having these feelings because he was stressed about everything and needed an emotional distraction but he maintained that his feelings were real. I told William about all of this because I thought it was important to be honest, I had no idea this information would be revised and used against me later. I told my boss over and over again that I was in a committed relationship and that I was not going anywhere and that he and his wife should get counseling, which they did. But at some point, he was overwhelmed and decided to tell her that he was in love with another woman. From what I understand which is second-hand, he was honest with her and said that nothing had ever happened between us but that he was still in love with me. Apparently though, the fact that we had no physical contact whatsoever was of no relevance. The fact that I was not in love with him was of no relevance. 24 hours later, we were both fired. This also happened to occur the same weekend that William left. Yeah, real shitty weekend! And has my boss ever called to apologize for his lapse in judgment which cost me my job? No. Has he ever called the “love of his life” to see how I am doing? No. So again, no resolution.
I suppose the worst aspect of 2011 is that it has left me questioning everything. I was a solid Buddhist before all of this. I believed in astrology and the Aquarian Age shift, hell I was stoked about it. I believed that people were inherently good but that every now and they messed up. I believed that I was in a good relationship with a good guy. I believed that I was on my way to having a career in an industry that I loved. I believed that you get out what you put in. I believed that all my hard work was going to pay off. I believed that everything works out in the end.
So 2011, good riddance. I am so ready for this year to be over. 2012 Bring it on! End of the world? Whatever, my world already ended. Bring it on! This year WILL be better. This year will be what I make of it! This year I will not be naive. This year I will not let other people interfere with my goals and my standards for myself. This year I will not be caught off guard. This year is going to be about me and my quest to be the best version of myself possible. And I can not wait!
In search of truth,
discovered only lies
moods controlled by outside stimuli
opinions are shackles,
leaving bruised flesh.
Monday was much more promising
Sunday was fooled by creativity
Mardi is perplexing and sad
Self-esteem resting on the shoulders of others
it is a dangerous game
one moment ecstasy
and next the inevitable fall
why should your apathy
be met with my agony?
why is my value assigned by your insensitivity?
how do I overcome this red cherry funk?
the last remnants of a lost love,
encased by cardboard on a patio
all of them meaningless now
circumstances change rapidly when you are comfortable
and when fraught with confusion they loiter lasciviously
mercredi be merciful
I need the respite
Where have all the cowboys gone? Paula Cole made a very astute observation many years ago and unfortunately it is still true today. What has happened to all the men? Increasingly I am witnessing a growing epidemic of emotionally spoiled, entitled, immature men children. What is a man-child? Most likely we have all encountered them. The guy that wants to go dutch on every beginning date because he feels that it is unfair to just expect the man to pay and he makes sure to preface this with, “Well it is 2011, I mean women are just as independent and capable now.” Did you just use the entire feminist movement to guilt me into paying? Douche. Or the guy that after you have been dating for months makes you feel like you are a co-dependent hot mess because you expect him to take care of you when you are sick. Seriously dude? I have taken off work, missed my own birthday celebration to take care of you but when I am sick, I should just suck it up and rub some dirt in it? Some serious role reversals are taking place and they are not good! I have even experienced the I can not be intimate right now because I am stressed and emotional. Aren’t I supposed to be saying that? Something has to be done. But first I like to hypothesize how this epidemic even started.
First, I blame the parents. I have seen the way mothers of my generation coddle their sons. They groom them to believe that they are the most wonderful and talented individuals on the face of the earth and therefore everyone should treat them accordingly. Every little thing that these men children do is rewarded with this unconditional and unrealistic support. This creates an environment where we as women can say nothing against these creatures because if we do, we are immediately met with defensiveness, hostility and a total unwillingness to understand. These boys also run to their mothers with every last problem and piece of gossip, nothing is sacred in relationships with these tools. They will tell their mothers the most intimate and personal information that you share with them and next thing you know, you are being disparaged. My ex’s parents helped him to do probably the most irresponsible thing that he will ever do in his lifetime. They actually encouraged him to leave me pregnant with his child, quit his job, leave the state and then move to another country in a matter of months. My parents would disown my brother if he even thought about doing that to someone. But there in lies the problem, in his parent’s mind he can do no wrong. There were never any consequences for anything he ever did, so in his world consequences do not exist. For anyone who has studied psychology or I do not know, has common sense, you are not creating a well-adjusted adult by making them think that the universe revolves around them. In effect you are creating a narcissist who may never be able to have a meaningful connection with anyone, let alone a lifelong mate. And guess who has to deal with your little monster, us.
Secondly I blame us. I know it is unfortunate but some of us women are to blame as well. I think with all of our desire to be equal, we have given these types of men excuses to behave this way. I hear their arguments and it all originates there. They question why they must open the door for us when we are perfectly capable or better yet why do we not open the door for them? I have been at an exceptional disadvantage having been a professional fighter. I asked my ex to come pick me up one night from my hair appointment, he had dropped me off earlier and gone to a sports bar down the street to watch hockey. I called him around 10 or 10:30 when I was finished and asked that he come get me. His response was that I should just walk, it was only a couple of blocks right? His argument being that what was the worst that could happen and I am a fighter so I can take care of myself. The frustrating part was that he was right, I could take care of myself but should I have to? Is it really too much to ask that we are treated like ladies no matter what our profession? It feels like they are the ladies now. The other reason I kind of blame women for these men are that we tolerate them. If we all rebelled and refused to go dutch on a legit date or never fed into their narcissistic tendencies, they would be forced to evolve. Adapt or die. But I know how difficult it is first hand. I loved my ex more than anything and therefore I was willing to tolerate his behaviour and make excuses for him. At some point he actually convinced me that I was wrong and that I should do things his way. I let myself be run over instead of standing my ground. Lesson learned.
Sadly, these idiots are all around us. They feel entitled to be taken care of financially, emotionally and physically. Chivalry is some antiquated term they heard in a movie once. Some girl that they had actually been good to, crushed them at some point in their life and we are all to be punished for it. Being a man to them means holding down a job and taking care of themselves but not being responsible for anyone else. Your emotions and needs are nothing but burdens to them, chains that shackle them and enslave them to lives of monotony. I am reminded of an exchange in Casino Royale when Vesper tells Bond that she would not go so far as to call him a cold-hearted bastard but it would not be a stretch to think that he considers women as disposable objects rather than meaningful pursuits. It is certainly not just Bond that treats women this way, more and more it is almost every guy that I run into. Even when I am not personally involved, I hear stories. Is every man like this? I hope not and I am sure that there are wonderful, attentive, loving, caring, responsible, emotionally balanced and healthy men out there. I am just concerned that they are few and far between at this point.
So I say to you men: Yes, we are equal. We are just as strong, smart, and talented as you. This does not mean that we are not still women who should be treated with respect and courtesy. Open a friggin door once in a while, if you are broke and can not pay for an expensive meal, make us dinner, hell microwave some popcorn and put in a movie. And for heaven sake’s learn to appreciate the beauty of waking up next to an extraordinary woman who loves you no matter how sick, how gross, how annoying or how many times you checked out that waitress’ deriere. Because there is one thing that we have that you do not, the ability to endlessly forgive and love unconditionally. You think that our emotions are our downfalls when really it is where we derive strength.
It is time for a change and an end to this epidemic because I for one do not see the point. All these men children need to wake up and realize the only thing that they are accomplishing is making themselves obsolete. If we are expected to pay for everything, expected to take care of ourselves emotionally and otherwise, handle all the household responsibilities then why the hell do we need you? I have enough children to raise, I am not looking for another one, especially one that is in his 30’s!
I am woman, hear me roar 😉