Am I Crazy?

Personal evolution is beginning to feel like a spiritual board game.  I take several steps, sometimes leaps forward and inevitably there is backward motion as well.  I suppose that it is necessary in order to continue moving forward while truly comprehending the path that has been taken.  I began this blogging adventure as a means to process and heal from a terrible break up.  To some, that was courageous and creative. To others it is”crazy” and misunderstood. For the latter, I wish that you could  understand my motives.  I want to have a voice.  When another human being takes control of your life and makes a unilateral and highly destructive decision and actions are forced upon you, you are helpless.  You are no longer an integral part of your own fate, you are plunged into the reality of reaction.  My reactions have spanned the spectrum of human emotion but in the end, I have been pretty impressed with my progress and the way in which I maintained my personal integrity.  But, I am human and I have my set backs, like today.

When it was first brought to my attention that Will was writing a blog and had been secretly for some time, I anxiously and fearfully read it. And there is nothing worse than learning about someone who you thought you knew through their writings.  About the only thing that comes close to this sensation of removed enlightenment, is the falseness of their words.  Upon discovering that he adores making himself seem like a deep, highly evolved, spiritual and altruistic person, I decided that I had read enough.  I KNEW the truth, I had survived it.  And thus I told myself with the encouragement of my friends, that I would not read it again.  Honestly, nothing positive was going to come from it but unfortunately I have masochistic tendencies and every now and then my curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself typing those pathetic letters into google and making the same mistake that I promised myself I would not.  And this is what I found today: http://williamsabia.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/not-so-fast/

Immediately enraged and disgusted, I came to the conclusion that the only person at fault for these overwhelming emotions, was me.  I had let my curiosity overwhelm my logic.  And it is disappointing when you realize that you are the one who is hurting yourself.  I mean he is NOT going to change, he never was.  So why do I even let it bother me?  I have been asked the same question over and over again, why do I do this to myself?  Well this morning, I finally figured it out.  A dangerous combination of optimism and disbelief.

The optimism tempts me and the disbelief is constant.  I suppose I hope that at some point there will be an apology or an epiphany, something. But it never comes.  I am shockingly still amazed at his ability to learn every life lesson there is to learn except for the one he needs to learn.  Self awareness is not something that you spew forth on a blog entry and create in order to garner the acceptance and praise of others.  It is something that you work towards on a daily basis and my main reason for self-awareness is so that I do not hurt other people or myself with destructive, selfish behaviour.  That is why when my blog is read, you see the flaws, you hear the doubt and you read the truth.  When I talk about Buddha it is not some concept that I throw out because it sounds interesting and philosophical. I have been Buddhist for many years now and it is something that is dear to me so to have the one that hurt me so deeply quoting and paraphrasing beliefs, it is almost insulting.  I want to scream, “HOW DARE YOU?!?”

How dare you act like you are a good person? How dare you not take responsibility for your actions? How dare you talk about love and loss? What did you lose? You ran half way around the world and YOU are talking about loss and pain! How dare you?  I could go on forever with these but in the end this is not about him. The problem is me.

I write extremely personal and unadulterated things because it may save someone from making the same mistakes.  Yeah I guess it is “crazy” to put such things out there in the vastness of the internet.  I honestly wrote the majority of this yesterday and saved it because I was unsure if I wanted to post it.  I began fearing what it would make me appear to be.  I have been told by my sibling several times that this blog, well at least the personal aspect of it makes me look like a psycho girl and so I felt like maybe I should change the direction of it.  Perhaps solely post my poetry or begin writing the treatment for my book but then I realized what a hypocrite I would be.  Anyone can write and share the easy stuff.  The anonymous things that can self promote, it is much more difficult to share your true nature and allow for the possibility of judgment.  If people want to judge me for being hurt, then so be it.  If people want to think that I am a “psycho” because I tell the truth and am unafraid of showing myself, again, so be it.  I know who I am., perhaps for the first time in a very long time.

I am a human who has loved and lost.  I am a woman who is nearing the completion of a very long and arduous process of growth.  I am a Buddhist who is trying to remember the tenants of my beliefs.  I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. Things are not always rainbows and sunshine but they are also not always gray and dark.  This is what I have learned.  I am learning to let go of the things that are painful and remain open to the beauty in life.  I am learning to accept that the Universe is not going to give me what I want but rather what I need.  I am learning what makes me strong and unique but also the traits that are less desirable and need to be addressed.  But is this not the point of living?  I choose to do this openly and I will continue to because I will not be that which I loathe.  I will not only post things that make me look enlightened and interesting.  I hope others will be comforted in that, it is ok to be wherever you are in your process and on your path.  It is ok to have doubts and to question your actions and your emotions.  It is ok to be who you are and to acknowledge your mistakes.

This year will be about this philosophy.  I will be stronger than ever.  I will make more forward progress.  I will recognize my regressions, examine them and move on.  I will continue to work diligently on strengthening my mind and body so that when I look back on this situation, I will know that I conquered it. It may have been painful and exhaustive.  It may have even taken longer than I would have liked. But I will know that I can do anything and I did.  I will also know that I am prepared for any circumstance and that should something of this nature creep its way back into my realm, I will have the skills necessary to move through it more gracefully and more constructively.  I am finding power in my flaws because in the end, they will make me work to be the person that I want to be.

So there it is. If I am crazy then that is fine, I can conquer that too!

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About RelentlesseGirl

Moi: Redhead, Buddhist, Fighter, Raver, Yogi, Equestrian, Lover of Languages, Mother of Menagerie, Broken-hearted Saviour, Physique Competitor, NASM certified trainer, Admirer of Thunderstorms and Candles……..all in all complex and contrary but loving and fun

Posted on January 8, 2012, in Daily Life, Healing, Philosophy, relationships, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. It is true, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. We get not what we want, but what we need and as a result we learn and grow. We may not appreciate it now but when we step back and take a birds eye view, we see how precious these lessons are. We can be whatever we aspire to be.

  2. the “psycho” girl label is thrown around so easily – its universally accepted – such a lazy way to discredit a woman …i dont think you come across as crazy at all – just someone who is deeply trying to figure out this insane existence we experience and all the adventures of love and loss….its all about the learning and self acceptance. i like your post. we have all been there – the shocking and never failing disappoinment/anger at someone who will never change – sigh….

  3. I realllllllly felt so touched and at some point empowered reading this! Thank you for sharing……

  4. Wow,,,,,that means so much to me, thank you!

  5. I really enjoyed this post and “crazy” was not a word that entered my consciousness as I read. No matter how much we want to avoid it or act like we don’t hurt. We all do. It’s inescapable. As you said it’s what we do with that pain and how we use that pain that defines us.

    However, there was one line I have to say I don’t agree with…”I am learning to accept that the Universe is not going to give me what I want but rather what I need.”

    The reason I disagree is 2-fold and I think can explain myself better with examples:

    Take a kid in a candy store. She’s allowed to pick out one piece of candy. She knows what she likes, but instead of going for that she spies something she’s never had. It has a bright, shiny wrapper. It’s the biggest piece of candy in the store. The picture on it makes the candy look fun and delicious. She wants this candy. She’s sold. She buys it. She takes one bite and it’s terrible and suddenly she doesn’t want it anymore. The question is, did she ever really want it…or did she want what she thought it was? Those are two very different things.

    The other reason I disagree is because I think the more life we go though…not necessarily in an age context…but the more life we live, our “wants” change so much. What we want now may not be the same as what we wanted 5 years ago or 5 life experiences ago. Because of this maybe the Universe is not going to give you what you want right now…but when it’s right, it will give you what you want when it’s best…when that want truly is what you want.

    That’s not to say I didn’t like this post. Completely the opposite. I enjoyed every word. To bear ones heart and soul for all to see is a bravery many of us lack. It does not make you crazy and should be honored as a strength and not a weakness. Because of this it will be you who becomes stronger, better, and will help you more easily find not only what you need, but in the end what you truly want. 🙂

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