Monthly Archives: December 2011
At first glance anything can appear beautiful, further inspection reveals its flaws.
Shallow tendencies despise and reject this,
deeper understanding illuminates the true perfection in it.
So why do I feel like my flaws are judged so harshly?
I am intense.
I do feel deeply.
I care immensely.
Too much of a good thing can be overwhelming and send people running.
I long for real acceptance.
I yearn to hear that love can be unconditional.
Am I so hard to care for with all my passion and concern?
I have been told that these aspects make me unique and special,
but they seem more like curses when I am consistently met with resistance.
Has everyone forgotten what it means to emote?
Are we all so frightened by our feelings that when confronted with intense emotions our first response is to bail?
I recognize my flaws and want nothing more than to eradicate them but do they really make me so impossible to love?
“You move too fast.”
“You feel too deeply.”
“You think too much.”
When did theses qualities become so negative?
It used to be that you had to lie, cheat, disrespect, not think before speaking, be too closed off.
Now openness and honesty are the exceptions, the abnormal.
What has happened to us?
Why is love so difficult for some?
Now the question becomes:
Stay true to myself or play the game in order to succeed?
But is that true success?
Is there someone who will accept me for who I am?
Or am I doomed to be caged by conventionalism forever?
I would love to humbly thank http://fabulasscat1.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for this award. What started out as a sole means of aiding me through an extremely difficult time in my life has taken a wonderful turn into self-expression and the fact that many have gone with me on this journey is both amazing and so meaningful. Thank you to all who follow and comment, I could not be more appreciative for all the support! I feel so incredibly blessed by all of you! 😉
The Liebster Blog Award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. The rules for the award are:
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter and link back to them.
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog
My Top picks for this nifty award are:
Best wishes to everyone and thank you again, I am so totally stoked! And yeah I just said stoked! 😉
The pale rose-colored sky gently warms my essence,
much like my heart,
the pinks first innocent and unassuming
transition into passionate fuchsias
and end in lilac love.
Love’s door slammed shut
And you opened my window
You shone a light into my darkest corner
A welcome reprieve from all the pain
Your smile comforts me
Your touch calms me
You warmth reminds me
Of all the possibilities
You are that which I have sought
My only hope to satisfy you
My appreciation grows daily
Finally the sky is crying new life into this arid land
for months nothing but death and stagnation
all forms of life have suffered
flora and fauna expiring from thirst
fires have claimed lives and homes
but now the water births rejuvenation
I can smell and taste the purification
my own heart welcomes the release
nothing is more satisfying
then being revived.
Let’s see it has been an eventful past couple of days…..
One amazing hair cut and catching up with my good friend, check!
Feeling slightly under the weather, check ;(
Dancing to 80’s music with my best friend, check!
Running into a douchebag that admitted to telling me he loved me only to try to get in my pants, check ;(
Family brunch with the most family members we have gotten together in a long time, check!
Finding out that my ex, William, has been trying to order books on my Amazon account using my email and password AND my gift certificate, CHECK 😦
What the hell is wrong with people anyway? Yikes!
I do not know what is going on with the Cosmos but geez, give a girl a break! This good, bad, good, bad, good, bad rollercoaster is making me nauseous! Attention Life, you should not have to come with a barf bag! Oh well, I guess I will strap in, take a deep breath and hold on tight…….. At least my house is insanely organized now 😉 Now to work on some music and poetry, hopefully I will have something more profound to write later.
Lots of Love,
As I sat in the Zen den last night playing guitar and listening to the invigorating sounds of rain drops pattering my tin roof, a familiar yet unwelcome wave of ambivalence pounded me. They say that there are 7 steps in the grieving process and acceptance being the final but I am either some alien anomaly or this process has no apodictic conclusion. This is to say that while I have come to accept the circumstances and the actions at their origin, I am still emotionally undulatory. I suppose what is really plaguing me is that several months ago, I conjured and delivered quite possibly the most venomous email ever, well for me anyway. I had finally reached my breaking point and I felt that not only were the feelings expressed honest but also necessary. Prior to this, throughout the saga I had remained the heroine. I was understanding, forgiving, loving, compassionate even sympathetic. All those around me found this most disturbing given the circuitous nature of the situation but I maintained that I would not lower myself to the level on which he was operating. Unfortunately, that email was the swift and certain end of that.
It is not that I did not mean every word of it, I did. How could I maintain loving someone who showed me such apathy and disrespect? I could not. I had to make a stand, or so I believed. I had to tell him that I never wanted to speak to him again, didn’t I? To say that my words were rooted in pride would be a fallacy, they were rooted in pain. In those moments of fingers racing irresponsibly across the keyboard, I recall the sensation of a blatant and brusque realization. Every action suddenly and ceremoniously slapped me in the face. All those 7 stages in one volcanic, apocalyptic explosion but unfortunately the only emotions conveyed were anger and hate. At first, I was highly satisfied with myself. I had taken back my power. I was no longer lending my heart to someone’s immature and erratic whims. I was taking a stand.
Then came the waves of shame. And now they are waves of regret. Ambivalence, the mother of all conundrums. And this is precisely the reason that I acted out of love for those first several months because that is who I am. My ex-fiance told me this morning when I confessed that I was having a delayed reaction to all of this that I am just not capable of not caring. He said that I never should have written all those things because I am not that person. that I will always care. I consistently struggle with whether or not that is a negative attribute. When does forgiving become tolerating? And when does tolerating become egregious? And when does that egregiousness become abuse?
Buddhism is founded on compassion and forgiveness but when is enough, enough? Is it ever ok to condemn someone for horrendous and hurtful actions? Or should we constantly forgive and forget? My intellect tells me that the actions of this man were unforgivable but my heart tells me that I will always love him and that I am better than the things that I said. I just wish I knew how to protect myself while also being the big-hearted person that apparently, I am. I used to imagine myself as a statue with cracks, perhaps one of those Greek goddesses missing an appendage or something. Beautiful and flawed. Now I realize that I am still a wobbly ball of clay striving to take form. I suppose there is freedom in that.
Maybe the real forgiving that is necessary is that of myself.
So I have been dosing my cerebrum with the works of Carlos Castaneda, Dante, Sophocles, Lao Tzu and Celine. Surely eclectic and wonderfully written. In recent months as my mind has been ravaged by insecurity and unanswered questions the escape into language has been invaluable. I have always loved language. From a very young age I was exposed to foreign languages and I am truly appreciative for this. The private school that I attended required us to take Spanish and Latin and Spanish soon became one of my favorite subjects. Then in high school I decided to take French as well and continued into college. Now I am venturing into the world of Arabic. What I truly love about linguistics is that these are the ways in which we express ourselves and I think that it is so integral for us as humans to try to understand each other. And I mean really understand each other. Anthropologically speaking, language is the main aspect of any culture and I would love to learn about as many different cultures as possible. For now though I am enjoying reading all of this classic literature, some in its original language. Words are so beautiful and the way that some manage to effortlessly string them together and create such amazing art is awe-inspiring. Dante’s description, Castaneda’s romance, Sophocles’ tragedy, Tzu’s intellect and Celine’s mystery all breathtaking in their own right. I have an interview with a company tomorrow that specializes in increasing the globalization of businesses and I could not be more excited. I would love to be able to facilitate the unification of multiple countries and be able to do so with my knowledge of language. So excited!
Words can be spoken with wisdom or wrath
sentences construed constructively as
emotions seep through the expression
I love this language of life
endless options are ubiquitous
some evoke romance and love
others more forward and clinical
all ways that we can learn about each other
unity is within our reach
how do you speak?
Wish me luck 😉
Today you are two years old
Far from the little one I found out in the cold
Now grown up and more sure
Of all your appeal and your Siamese allure
I love your face and you whimsical sounds
when you are in the room my heart abounds
Beautiful and sleek your body comforts me
A lovable baby is all I see
Years ago today I had no clue
Of all the wonderment you could do
You bring a smile to my soul
And gave me my motherly role
Oh Christiano, I do treasure thee
especially on bended knee
When I pick you up and squeeze you tight
You make everything else seem alright
I hope you know how much you are
On this December day when your dad is afar
I’m sure he wishes he was here
To tell you how special and dear
You are to both of us……..
Bon Anniversaire Mon chat, J’taime toujours!
As the year comes to an end, I can not help but be relieved and excited for this has easily been the worst year of my life. For most that statement would seem or actually be hyperbolic but for me, it is an entirely accurate assessment. Other years have been difficult, often stressful with equestrian competitions, family health emergencies and work but the incidents were spread out over the course of the year and usually there was some semblance of resolution. This year, this bastard year has had back to back tragedies and there is no resolution in sight. Sure, I am emotionally healing from all the loss but it will never be completely gone. It is almost as if my heart is a bone that has a compound fracture, it will heal with some surgery and some pins and screws but the evidence will always be seen. A CSI-esque post mortem on me would have the investigators saying, “This woman had her heart-broken, as you can see on the X-ray, those prominent white lines represent the calcification. It is an old wound, she was most likely 30 years of age when it occurred.”
I guess I assumed that when you reach a certain age there are certain ways of doing things. When you get to be this wonderful age, you have the right to say things like, “What are we in high school?” But the sad part is that this amazing, magical age when wisdom and maturity take over and all of your actions are rooted in intelligence, logic and past experience, it does not exist. I am 3o and I have such a horrendous time of comprehending how at this age, people are still acting like children. And it is not just the 30 year olds, it is 4o years olds and some in their 50’s. Unfortunately, 2011 brought me to the realization that maturity and virtue are absolutely not proportionate to numerical age. I thought, based on past experience that when you break up with someone, you express the reasons and it is a one-on-one conversation. There is no peanut gallery casting dispersions, no overly dramatic scene just two people who cared for one another ending one relationship and hopefully salvaging another. My ex-fiance and I were together on and off for seven years and lived together for most of them. At the conclusion of our relationship, we expressed our deep love for each other but also knew that our relationship had transitioned into more of a friendship. He is now my dearest and closest friend. There was no yelling, screaming, name calling, no ugliness at all. I assumed this was possible with every relationship. I suppose my thought process is that if I thought highly enough of someone to live with them and even to contemplate marriage, why on earth would I not want them in my life? I have no idea why the general consensus is that ex’s can not and should not remain friends. Shouldn’t we all have the maturity and unconditional love for one another, that even if one type of relationship does not work, we are still open to another type? There will never be any resolution to this break up. William will never tell me why or say he is sorry. We will never be friends. I will never see one of my cats again. William will never see his glorious Siamese boys again. And I will never understand why everything had to transpire this way. This kills me. The fact that he is over in another country and keeps blogging pontifications about American life and the cultural differences and blah, blah, blah also kills me. No emotion, no regret, no guilt, no love, no friendship just BS. I guess that is who he is though. Bottom line: No resolution.
2011 also left me unemployed. I had a great job that I loved and I was let go not because I did not do my job or because I came in late too many times. No I was fired because my boss fell in love with me and we worked for his in-laws. I knew he was in love with me because he had told me numerous times. He sent me emails and poems, all expressing that I was his soul mate and he had never felt this way about anyone. I found all of this hard to believe since he was married and had been for ten years. At the time his wife was also pregnant. I tried to reassure him that he was just having these feelings because he was stressed about everything and needed an emotional distraction but he maintained that his feelings were real. I told William about all of this because I thought it was important to be honest, I had no idea this information would be revised and used against me later. I told my boss over and over again that I was in a committed relationship and that I was not going anywhere and that he and his wife should get counseling, which they did. But at some point, he was overwhelmed and decided to tell her that he was in love with another woman. From what I understand which is second-hand, he was honest with her and said that nothing had ever happened between us but that he was still in love with me. Apparently though, the fact that we had no physical contact whatsoever was of no relevance. The fact that I was not in love with him was of no relevance. 24 hours later, we were both fired. This also happened to occur the same weekend that William left. Yeah, real shitty weekend! And has my boss ever called to apologize for his lapse in judgment which cost me my job? No. Has he ever called the “love of his life” to see how I am doing? No. So again, no resolution.
I suppose the worst aspect of 2011 is that it has left me questioning everything. I was a solid Buddhist before all of this. I believed in astrology and the Aquarian Age shift, hell I was stoked about it. I believed that people were inherently good but that every now and they messed up. I believed that I was in a good relationship with a good guy. I believed that I was on my way to having a career in an industry that I loved. I believed that you get out what you put in. I believed that all my hard work was going to pay off. I believed that everything works out in the end.
So 2011, good riddance. I am so ready for this year to be over. 2012 Bring it on! End of the world? Whatever, my world already ended. Bring it on! This year WILL be better. This year will be what I make of it! This year I will not be naive. This year I will not let other people interfere with my goals and my standards for myself. This year I will not be caught off guard. This year is going to be about me and my quest to be the best version of myself possible. And I can not wait!